I'D BUY "GHOST DESIGNATED DRIVER."

MY REVIEW OF "MOM," BASED ON WATCHING IT ABOUT THREE MINUTES BY ACCIDENT WHILE I WAS DOING SOMETHING ELSE:

FUCK YES YOU AGREE.

WELL, SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER, I'M TYPING AS QUIETLY AS I KNOW HOW TO.

I DID GET A NICE SENSE OF FUCKING CLOSURE FROM THIS EPISODE, WITH TED STANDING UP IN FRONT OF ROBIN AND GIVING A JEFF WINGER TYPE SPEECH ABOUT THE POWER OF LOVE AND ROMANCE, AND YET THIS TIME IT'S AIMED AT CONVINCING ROBIN THAT TED'S NOT THE MAN FOR HER. I'D GIVE THIS ONE A B+.

LOGAN FEATURES PROMINENTLY IN SEVERAL DELIGHTFUL SEX SCENES WITH DUNCAN KANE. ALTOGETHER, IT ADDS UP TO ABOUT THIRTY PAGES.

I BEG TO DIFFER, MOTHERFUCKER. ANY LITERATE AND DISCERNING COCKSUCKER WITH A PAIR OF MOTHERFUCKING EARS LIKES POE. BITCH, HE FUCKING WROTE THE LINES:

I FIND IT JUST FUCKING DELIGHTFUL THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO CAN GET SO MUCH JOY OUT OF LIFE.

IS THIS A CONFESSION, YOU TENTACLE-LOVING BITCH?

THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS?

NO, I'M A FAN OF THE RECAPS AND OF TODD'S BOUNDLESS OPTIMISM IN GENERAL. BUT I NEVER REMEMBER TO WATCH THE SHOW LIVE. I'M HOPING AT SOME POINT THERE'LL BE AN EPISODE THAT MAKES ME FEEL THE SERIES IS WORTH CATCHING UP ON.

I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO FORGETTING THIS SHOW IS ON FOR A FUCKING SECOND SEASON IN A ROW.

"WE ALL LEAVE THE PARTY BEFORE WE GET TO SEE HOW IT ALL TURNS OUT."

(OBLIGATORY POST WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON)

YEAH, KEEP UP THAT POLICING OF OVER-RATING THE LOOKS OF WOMEN IN THE MEDIA, MY BROTHER. DON'T WANT THEM GIRLS TO GET TOO UPPITY AND SHIT.

YES, YOU'RE VERY RESPONSIBLE. BUT BASED ON WHAT I SEE ON THE ROAD, JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY IS WATCHING THE FUCKING BURT REYNOLDS EPISODE OF THE X-FILES WHILE THEY'RE DRIVING.

MY QUESTION, AFTER READING THIS RECAP, IS WHEN IS TODD'S WIFE GOING TO START WRITING RECAPS? BECAUSE A) NEPOTISM IS FUN AND B) SHE SOUNDS APPROXIMATELY 90 PERCENT MORE DELIGHTFUL THAN A HOT, FAST, EXPLOSIVE SHIT.

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET CORRECTING ME WHEN I WAS WRONG.

I'D AGREE THAT FOR A GOOD BIT OF THE EPISODE ABED WAS TREATING HER LIKE AN OBJECTIVE RATHER THAN LIKE A CHARACTER. BUT I THINK HOOPDREAMSOFTHINGSPEOPLEHOLYSHITWHYTHEFUCKISTHISSOLONG IS RIGHT ABOUT THE DEPTH OF CHARACTER SUGGESTED IN BRIE LARSON'S PERFORMANCE AND SOME OF THE DIALOGUE.

WILL YOU THINK I'M TOO FORWARD IF I SAY "MY FACE"?