Pee Wee’s Big Holiday is an underrated modern classic, if you ask me.

“Hi, I’m Troy McClure! You may remember me from such board games as Road Trip to Billings, MT and Nutsy Nusty Nutrias! I’m here to tell you about a game so timely and exciting, you’ll choke on your latte and tattoo its hashtag on your face! Swipe right for fun!”

“Do I have to smile while I’m waiting tables?”

The key is choosing the right soundtrack.

Or alternatively you could go inside and get your food in four minutes to go and then eat alone in your parked car with climate control and your choice of soundtrack.

now that’s some “none pizza with left beef”-level shit.

That’s what pants are for.

My dad always said “the day i can’t do my job drunk is the day i turn in my badge and gun.”

It’s WeWork not the goddamn Law Library!

Well La-Di-Da...everyone look at the fancy pants. Mr. “I can work sober” over here.

It’s like the fucking Gulag!

“whip it out at the Cheesecake Factory”

Applebees gives you a free appetizer if you reenact Star Wars fencing scenes with vibrators. 

Dear Salty,

How about you just have the dish the way the chef prepares it, snowflake?

No.

I can’t imagine that’d be okay.  What if someone were in a domestic abuse situation and their partner (or ex-partner) was stalking them?  How would the JACKS club know the intention of the person calling?

Miles are actually 2.57 times larger in Texas. 

And that brother’s name? Steve Stallone.