Well, to be fair, just the other day he was in the airport ordering plane tickets from a busty blonde and accidentally said, “two pickets to Titsburgh.”

I’ve decided not to compete for World’s Strongest Man in order to spend more time with my family.

On a similar note, I’ve decided to bow out of the 2019 Mr. Olympia competition to continue to listen to my bosses drone on about mission statements.

When asked why people coming to the country only with what they could carry with them would just leave one of their most holy symbols lying around in a field, the rancher replied, “they hate our freedom!”

7. You lie about just about everything.

You’re missing: “And if you didn’t, others have done worse.”

The shutdown didn’t stop them from arresting him for “looking illegal”.

Concern troll is concerned.

You can only have your marriage analed if you haven’t consummated it. 

the federal agency says that this incident wasn’t indicative of employees skimping on the security while waiting for their paychecks

This injunction basically says that the women of those 37 states that didn’t sue are mere chattel to the government of the United States of America, and far too few elected officials seem to take issue with that.

It’s not a real dunk unless they put Canadian bacon on them.

Yeah, this administration is making Dry January a challenge indeed.

This is why I refuse to call him anything but “the Republican President”. 

Pretty much my company, except the boss had to put his foot down and insist that they wait until 2pm.

an actual national emergency that he exasperated?

I have always hated the “but you’ll get them more ammunition!” argument. It’s just so patently wrong. Like, Trump’s base fabricates stuff out of thin air. They create an enemy or issue or grievance where, objectively, none exists. So it really doesn’t matter what we do or say, as they’re going to beef with us anyway.…

America has always been a two-party state. Every attempt at creating a viable third party has failed.

Concern troll.

He had to be fired, but... BRAVO GOOD SIR! That was fucking awesome!