Just remember to check the source of your pine nuts. 

I put a saucepan of heavy cream on a back burner and put a whole head of garlic in it in the morning. When I make the mashed, I use the cream and then squeeze the soft garlic cloves into the mash. 

How do you say you are keto without saying you are keto.

Who was her GP? Dr. Oz or Dr. Phil?

Until a defense spending amendment gets added to it...

Doubling recipes when baking often does not work well. You are better off baking two of the same dish with standard recipe portions.

I drove thru Alabama once. I got out of there as fast as I could. 

Or if you have an ectopic pregnancy after being raped by your uncle.

Storage units are for SHORT-TERM storage. Anything you have in storage for more than a year should be given to charity or taken to the dump. 

Condoms are not 100% effective. 

Make sure you bring condoms because in most of those cities you aren’t getting an abortion.

When I was a kid, McDonalds had 2 for 1 on fish sandwiches on Fridays. My dad would come home with a bag of them and one medium fry for the family to split. He was a cheap Catholic bastard.

If you have money sitting in your checking account (above and beyond your fully funded rainy day fund) that you won’t be needing anytime soon, it should be in an S&P 500 ETF. Look at 10-year rate of return for all investment classes. 

Hold out for the good stuff. No chicken, pork, or basic beef cuts. Patience is rewarded. 

If you have a problem with that video, you shouldn’t even step foot inside ANY quick service restaurant. And, if you do, you are a complete hypocrite. 

Isn’t buying bonds now a form of market-timing? Which is always a bad idea for individual investors?

It’s their way of apologizing for literally destroying the world. 

I’m putting all my money into vintage buggy whips!

If you think that McDonalds merch is collectible, I have a Beanie Baby to sell you. 

I’m 100% ok with corporations price-gouging hipster idiots still living in their child-like worlds well into adulthood.