If I inherited fancy china, I would drop it at a consignment store on the way home from my grandmother’s house. It’s kind of like diamonds, wildly over-valued as a multi-generational keepsake. 

It is interesting when you consider that the reduction in crime over the last few decades has often been attributed (at least partially) to the reduction in environmental exposure of US children to lead.

Gen Z isn’t having sex, isn’t drinking, isn’t doing drugs, don’t have careers, and are living at home.

I once met a lady cheesemonger
Whose minge couldn’t smell any wronger
As I bent to my knees
It was redolent of cheese
So I held my breath and stayed a little longer

Only if you use your hands for the solid bits and then drink the rest from the can while standing over the sink preferably without pants.

Yum, this hand-sliced turd sandwich is so much more tasty than those nasty pre-sliced turd sandwiches!

I hope this fact is widely known by your friends/family and they have nicknamed you “Baby Mouth”.

In a decades of poor life choices, none of them have resulted in me dining at Golden Corral. 

With their massive footprint and the success they have had with other food items and attempts to offer an all day menu, I’m surprised that Starbucks hasn’t gone hard at the cookie biz.

If I want to eat bland, generic food cranked out of a generic kitchen, I’ll go eat at an airport.

Table-side carved chicken? Why?

As my grandmother says, “It’s bologna that’s putting on airs.”

How about Yelp ratings on gender-affirming healthcare facilities in Florida?

Now do Yelp ratings on Florida drag shows!

I trust Floridians with food quality like I trust them with my reproductive healthcare rights...

How many of those are independently owned and operated with less than three locations?

Now I’m suspicious. My girlfriend’s days of the week panties for Sunday are missing too!

Gift nobody wants: Slideshows

Cocaine + stripper

Ticketmaster isn’t a very good analogy. They are a monopoly. Imagine if every restaurant in town had to use one reservation service and that reservation service sold premium tables at a fee to diners and kept the fee yet still charged the restaurant and diner for the reservation and then book a portion of the check.