The whole day I was sitting at work, unable to click this article, going "man, I just cannot believe this isn't a Mark Shrayber byline."

Oh my god that's glurge-inducing. Just the phrase "plain hamburger" is like a nutritional frowny-face, and then to beat any remaining dignity out of it with a bowl of HFCS-rich bottled ranch...

I actually took ranch abroad w/ me when I was an exchange student (packets of the seasoning mix). Some people told me it was sweet (?) and others told me it was cheesy (??) but it wasn't unpopular.

Oh god, I'd be willing to bet that the stuff they slop out at a university mess hall is the crappy foodservice grade stuff, too. Can't stop, won't stop.

Well, under the Japanese Mandatory Fetishization Act of 1993, someone is required to get off on mayonnaise milkshakes...

BREAKING: Gov. Nixon to deploy 50 gallons of Ranch, 10,000 Toasted Ravioli to Ferguson.

Wow. I had no idea that buttermilk on its own is palatable (I'm still not convinced it is, honestly ;) ). And a decent tip from a late-night table plus no break-up or violent altercation at the table is more than a late-shifter usually expects.

There is/was a mayonnaise milkshake, too. I'm sorry, Japan. I'm so, so, sorry.

Ooh, yikes, that stuff's probably way more difficult to pick up in a foreign language. Ours was a sensitivity training video so it was things like "do not scream obscenities at the patron. Do not openly speculate on the existence of non-human members of the customers' family tree. Always upsell the covered and…

I'mma come out of retirement for this one. My brothers and sisters, DO WE NOT DIP IN THE SAME CONDIMENT?!

I'm like 99% sure that restaurant has since closed, but I couldn't resist the joke ;)

All these places that now slather ranch onto sandwiches and such without putting it on the side get some major side-eye from me.

I can't give away exactly what made me leave but let's just say it left a legal papertrail, LOL. That place was such a disaster. My favorite part was that, because Denny's had been sued so many times for discriminatory actions, they had to put everybody through sensitivity training — but the letter of the law is way…

YA KNOW — JUST A BOWL OR TWO

When I worked there it was Hidden Valley. Mixed with mayo and buttermilk in the back. It was definitely good, and I can def get on board with ranch as a topping, but you've gotta maintain the ratio! When there's more ranch than ranch-supporting-substrate, it is no longer a condiment.

This was in St. Louis, MO. Because of our location, the store got a very diverse mix of customers in terms of age, economic level, ethnicity, etc. and the ranch fetish was universal. Men and women, black and white, drowning their arteries in ranchy harmony.

Haha, I practically lived at Denny's late nights from high school graduation until drinking age, so I hear you. "Side of ranch" was probably the most common thing I heard every night — it was only when people would start telling you how that side should come that you knew you were in trouble. "Ya know the bowl that…

RANCH FEVER IS REAL, YA'LL. I worked at Denny's for a few years, and people would ask for cereal bowls full of ranch so frequently that I stopped being surprised after a few weeks. And the OP's dead on — it's ONLY ranch, nobody would do this shit with Honey Mustard or Catalina French. I assume Ranch Fever is a more…

Thank you. I'm going to go bump Bad Babysitter on the drive home now.

I don't think there's ANY reason that Burner accounts should be able to post in-line images. Period. Register your account if you want to post in-line images.