USSF seems intent on wasting the international career of a generational player. If I were Pulisic, I’d be considering my options with Croatia. 

I met HoJo at a Rockland Boulders game (his son was on the team).  He let me try on his World Series ring. That was cool as hell. 

This is all fine and dandy, but let’s see the GIFs

Hey let’s not leave out the Rhode Island jerkoffs and New Hampshire dicklicks!

Why do you pull back the curtain and expose me to these horrible truths? Next you’re gonna tell me that cherry coke isn’t made from real cherries and sour apple jolly ranchers aren’t made from real rotten apples.

When I worked at Starbucks, I never cared if people took a few extra sugar packets, but we used to get people who would literally stuff their pockets with them and that’s when I stopped them. It wasn’t that I was so concerned about losing the money - it’s that if we let it go on, we’d run out before our next order…

I wish I could dunk on him on twitter, but he blocked me for dunking on him during the 2016 Democratic debates

I have a Jalen Rose Michigan jersey (no name but purchased during the Fab Five era), if you can sweeten the deal. 

For your insolence, you’ll be tied to a Post while the rest of us throw Pebbles at you. 

I believe that you hate the Yankees, but do you really expect us all to believe that you are the Rays fan?

Honey Nut Cheerios was robbed. 

What about my favorite and least favorite NFL teams? The fuckin Jets and the fuckin Patriots.

The last time a person from Los Angeles choked that hard by giving up dongs, David Carradine was found dead in his hotel room.

How does American cheese even qualify?  IT’S NOT CHEESE.

The only way to stop hating candy corn is to disappear it off the face of the earth. If that was Thanos’s angle, he might have had more support. 

My first law firm had at least eight guys named Bill, including two of the partners who’s names were on the door.  It gets confusing, but I’d still rather have every single one of my bosses named Bill than one of them named Braxtyn.

“the sorriest non-Dolphins team in the NFL right now”

The one when my dad took my dog to the vet and came home alone saying that he “escaped”

My only regret is that we didn’t get to see Reilly heartlessly shit canned 

When I managed a Starbucks in Manhattan, IV drug users used to spray blood all over the walls of our bathroom. One enterprising squirrel-like drug addict stuck his needle into the underside of the sink so he could find it later. Also, there were frequently people who somehow spread their poo all over the walls.