Wasn’t the concept of the original XFL that there weren’t going to be any rules that restrict hitting like no 2 yard buffer zone for a punt returner? Anyway, in the new XFL, I say we ban helmets.

Wait, Vince Carter is still alive playing professional basketball?

The answer is the one where the Patriots win

Yes and while you’re at it, please stop eating our bagels and injecting our polio vaccine into your children.

Cold brew rage is a real thing though

She doesn’t feel bad for what she did. She feels bad because she’s facing consequences for what she did.

It was a big misunderstanding

NBA refs acting like they’re cops.

I view Michael Scott as an adult who has never learned to self-soothe and I marvel at how much time and energy the rest of the office workers expended into helping him remain calm.

Here’s the thing about Tyler Clippard: he can’t get batters out.

This is a story about Jerry R and Diddy Combs (clap clap clap clap clap)

Is it possible that North Korea and South Korea looked across the Pacific and said to each other “we better work this out because that motherfucker is BONKERS”

Roth, you are a wonderful addition to the Deadspin team.

Don’t forget “banana” as in, this play is called “2 banana jet sprint”

THIS GUY, MARK DAVIS, I CALL HIM DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE HE GOT ALL HIS WEALTH FROM HIS SENILE FATHER AND HIS INCREASINGLY LUNATIC FAN BASE CONTINUES TO VOCALLY SUPPORT HIM WHILE HE DRIVES EVERYTHING OFF A GODDAMN CLIFF

One would assume that a Pitino would finish up the sex stuff rather quickly

How do you clean a garlicky-yogurt type substance off of pita?

Brady: It’s not my job to mentor other players.

People who take $300 worth of groceries to the self-checkout need to find a new place to shop.

Marchman’s Dad: