Wtf is pemdas. It’s bedmas.

I prefer the line “give me 10 good men and I’ll impregnate the bitch” as a metaphor for how badly the Celtics have fucked this season up.

Marry her twice

Weed’s legal, it’s spring time in the city (gotta go check out the cherry blossoms in Hyde Park [NATURE!]), school is over (byebye passionate fanbase of liberal arts majors) and the leafs shit the bed. Combine that with tired old Rod Black and Leo Rautins on the teevee and a Ford brother holding political office and…

My favorite is when there’s a long silence and everyones like “Hellooooo lieutenant Daaaan ice creeeam!” and they come back like “oh sorry had the phone on mute I was talking the whole time!” when really we all know they were in the kitchen making pizza bagels or something.

Top Secret Twitter coming soon. It’ll be the new verified.

One of my earliest memories, from kindergarten, was an alphabet floor mat which each child had an assigned letter to sit at each day during role call.

South Africans should be on this list. They’re like a more racist Australian if that is even possible.

Guess you guys are gonna have to start calling them The Fountain Boys instead of Pool Boys.

They fight in a nonagon, what a sham.

I wonder if Gettleman knows the difference between annal and anal.

We should be friends

Has anybody asked if anybody has pointed out that a lot of people are asking if anybody has asked if anybody has pointed it out?

Can’t not be seen: gooch fart

I had this exact same thing happen to me in competitive youth soccer once. Ref told me to cup my sack and hop on my heels.

So Electric Ugly Van? I call most SUVs super ugly vans and the ones tbat arent ugly are still sport utility vans. Don't think you can change my opinion.

Drew, would you say this is a comeback or redemption?

Magic 2020, book it.

Build them a nice coop and they might lay you a Faberge egg or two?

It literally reads like a trained beauty pageant contestants answer.