While it’s true that having sex turns young women into indecisive, thoughtless, cold-hearted liars, they got it totally wrong on “versatile.” Post-virginity-loss, I’m practically a human Swiss Army knife! #TheMoreYouHo

Tbh, all my ill advised sexual encounters have just given me more character.

Seriously. I was floored when I first heard that its expected in some parts of the country that you are supposed to figure out how much your attendance at the wedding cost (dinner and drinks) and basically reimburse the couple via a cash gift. Sorry but you invited me to your wedding, and didn’t consult me on how much…

Well bless her heart.

9. Small Cats.

Can you register for bacon of the month club? I’m asking for a friend.

We need 4 hippos and about 60 watermelons. Now

It almost sounds like Russell Crowe thought that he actually said that but couldn’t remember for sure!

You are not owed a gift. Ever. For any occasion.

Had to be done because that shit just looks WRONG

For Shakespeare, all the world was a stage. For Russell Crowe, all the world is his lawn. And we need to get off of it. And he’s keeping the ball.

But not the McNuggets, that’s just cruel...

He should have kicked him in the McRibs while he was at it.

Kimmunion.

I assume it’s “what’s a viable alternative to using the Port Authority restrooms?”.

Wut. What on earth is the question whose answer is “urinate hard (quickly) through your underwear”?

The absolute best the about the John Stamos selfie ( and I like the guy) is that living room. That is a living room I could have. John Stamos is in a living room I could afford. I feel irrationally comforted by this.

Yikes, slow tweet beat day. Let’s see what Pete Holmes has to say, Pete?

Kim Kardashian is a gift that never stops giving. Never since Jesus on the cross have we seen someone give so much.

Can’t you just join instagram and see all the KK selfies you want for free?