A few weeks ago, I said that you had reached a point with Behind Closed Ovens that could not be surpassed. Clearly, I was wrong. I abjectly and humbly apologise. This is the greatest column ever. Getting to read it after a shift that involved an infuriating experience with my manager made it super special.

I have a diet high in pulses, fruit and vegetables. I live my life to an accompanying symphony of flatulence. If I have to abide by some ridiculous date farting etiquette, I’ll happily stay single forever.

That look on her face there! “What the hell am I doing heeeeere? I don’t belong here........I don’t belong here.”

Penny Wong is an openly gay woman who has two children with her partner. This occurred immediately after the Liberal Party (which Mr Hockey is the Treasurer of) decided that Same Sex Marriage was not going to be put to the vote. Mr Hockey is an unprincipled buffoon and a massive hypocrite. Ms Wong was being vastly…

Fuck people. But especially fuck people who think it’s acceptable to complete any type of business transaction while talking on their motherfucking phone and not paying any attention. Fuck them with a chainsaw. (It’s been a long week).

Eh, I’ll take them how I can get them.

It’s not that we don’t have them, they’re just not ubiquitous over here like they are in the US. You can actually buy them in the frozen section of most supermarkets. They’re not as good as freshly made, but they do the trick, especially if you’ve got really good quality vanilla icecream, homemade caramel sauce and…

I do not know who this person is, or why he is famous (nor do I want to) but every single time I see a Jez item about him I know I’m in for a thigh slapping read!

While I live in a world where any man can walk around showing his entire upper body off, regardless of whether he needs a bra more than I do (and I’m an F cup), then I will cover up only as much as I am legally required to, once summer hits, humidity sits at 70+% and the thermometer is struggling with it’s sanity.

NO.

I don’t know why, but I always imagined butterbeer would taste like butterscotch but in liquid form, which seems like it would be pretty darned delicious, but only in small amounts.

I still can’t think of Marcie as a villain, though. It breaks my heart every single time I watch that ep.

I think you might finally have reached the BCO pinnacle. Every single one of these stories was a pearl. I don’t know where you can go from here, really.

Exactly! I don’t necessarily agree entirely with Adam Weinstien’s piece (he can go fuck himself with his ‘crocodile tears’ comment) he was right in saying that publishing was stupid if for no other reason than it gave Gamergate trolls a chance to feel vindicated.

If by “a lot”, you mean pretty much all of them, then you are correct. But while they can be aggressive if they are attacked, their general demeanour is placid stoner. Think The Dude.

The reason they both seem to match is because the colour of the shoe is halfway between the colours of both polishes. It doesn’t perfectly match either.

I’ll ‘fess up. I have them all locked up in a secret room in my house. And I’m never ever letting them go! Bwahahahaha! (But if you’re ever down here in Brisbane and you ask reaaallly nicely, I’ll let you have a visit).

Hahahahaha! Couldn’t happen to a nicer man!

OMG! Please tell me that tweet means that Coulter is going to be his running mate!

Has it been discovered yet whether 60 Minutes actually did pay this lying bitch $45,000 for this interview?