I feel like I exist inside a really shitty Michael Bay movie.

Everyday, a fresh new hell. The longer the investigations against him and his administration go on, the nastier he’s going to be to immigrants and the LGBT community, to try and shore up his base. It’s going to get a lot worse.

Someone needs to find those horcruxes right now. I bet Ivanka is one.

The AARP is going to come out swinging against the GOP for this one. They’ve already said as much. When seniors lose access to healthcare and their premiums go up, the AARP will make sure the seniors know who to blame.

“Well, he’s huge,” Collins replies. “And he — I don’t mean to be unkind, but he’s so unattractive it’s unbelievable.”

In an email to me this morning, my mom wrote “You know, I felt bad for McCain last week, but to leave his sick bed in order to take away other people’s health insurance? FUCK HIM.”

Dear Lord, if this sandwich is Rita Ora’s guilty pleasure I imagine she eats gravel for her meals. My opinion on these celebrity diets is the same opinion Ann Perkins has on jogging.

My eye holes liked this very much

Ironically Obama is the only reason Trump has anything to hang his hat as President.

“I, Donny T, am coming out today to pardon myself for everything I have ever done, which is nothing, and totally all Hillary and Obama’s fault because they are mean terrible people who bigly tarnished my reputation, but I am not going to own it and am totally innocent.”

is that why the people doing the investigatory phase of this shit keep getting replaced by those under investigation? because there’s nothing there?

The most coherent bits of the entire interview?

I’ve read these interviews and

Dude. Marcon is “holding your hand” because he’s trying to get you to keep your pervy hands off his wife.  

Walk into any dementia-care area of a nursing home and you can have basically the same conversation. I’m not kidding.

Trump could be the first teetotaler on an episode of Drunk History.

I read this in Prof. Farnsworth’s voice.

good news, everyone! no one will be living on this planet soon.

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.