Only the best paddlin’ for children.

Extra buck for chips? Who are you? A Saudi royal?

Only thing that would make it more Florida is if he had already eaten shot a couple of members from a speeding convertible while high on cocaine.

“Get next to it for perspective!”

I went to a Police concert in 1982 or so, where I had shitty seats up high, at the side of the stage. However, that afforded me a PERFECT view of the fistfight that Sting and Copeland got into as soon as they were off the stage.

I got my hair cut the other week and some Bill Lumbergh looking motherfucker was on his LAPTOP the entire time he got his haircut. He was seated next to me, hair cape on, laptop on his legs, just happy as could be. I glanced over to see how much hair was getting on his computer and I see he’s on Facebook. That was…

Here’s another way to look at Mays’ catch, though. If any other player — except maybe DiMaggio or Mantle? — had made that catch (and many better catches have been made by lesser-known players), Mays’ catch would not have been know as the The Catch. The greatness of his catch is exaggerated because it was made by one…

Are you sure that's not one of those asshole pics?

I miss when you had to draw your sex organ and mail it across the country in the hopes that the horse drawn carriage pulling your mail across the rugged, undeveloped landscape becomes waylaid by a pack of female bandits who seize the mail, find your hand drawn sex organ, and eventually track you down because, my man,…

I mean, you fuck one goat and they call you a goat fucker.

Also, Clinton won the NV primary election. Nothing was being stolen from these people. Blame the Sanders ground game for not having its delegates be prepared and follow the rules.

I can see somebody standing in their driveway and doing this 50 or 100 times until one of them miraculously goes in. And THAT’S the one you put on the internet. What kind of an idiot do you have to be to post one of the bad ones? I guess the same kind of teens who film themselves doing something illegal and then…

This one’s better.

I’m willing to bet he had some stupid nametag he forgot about or his backpack had his name embroidered into it. This has happened to me so many times and I’m spooked for weeks every time and then I realize.

I wish I had recorded my best man’s speech at my wedding. He’s probably the most incredible public speaker I’ve ever known, and he simultaneously roasted the hell out of me while delivering a heartfelt and standing-ovation worthy speech. I think at one point he called my college career “the typical story of an…

Jason, that lady was your second-grade teacher. Even though teaching left her emotionally drained and penniless to the point where she had to hitchhike to Vegas and get a job working the cash register at a casino to support herself and find inner peace, at least she consoled herself with the thought that, “At least I…

Especially Houston, the sweaty asshole of the entire continent.

Nobody that has ever driven in a Texas city should be surprised by this video.

Are we best friends now? (Answer: Yup!) I’ve had other ideas like that as well: Documentary (or spoof local-news TV show) about what must it be like to be Professor Xavier’s neighbors with a bunch of asshole mutant teens acting up? Or to be one of the regular soldiers in GI Joe watching a bunch of whackjobs running…

Not all about that grace.