To be fair, that would actually be a pretty splendid day for Jim McMahon.

You Shitti Farty Dirty Nasty Jude Bitch!

She returned my call from Trump Force One.

Paterno probably could have avoided the injury had he not been too busy looking the other way.

If you were black you wouldn’t have been pulled over that many times because one of them would have shot you already.

Do those uncles and aunts really count as friends? Or are they just family?

Solid combination of dad humor and actual dad political views here.

“Not so tough when you’re outside your cars, are ya?”

Does Abby Wambach need any further evidence at this point?

No puppet.

Dear Stan,

Fuck Everything And Blame Everyone

[Early 1990s commercial]

Not surprised he would do that. He’s always been a “me me” kind of guy.

Anthony Weiner’s Dong Tipped The FBI Off About New Clinton Emails

Cubs: How’s everything going tonight?
Indians: Fine.
Cubs: Your entrees are good?
Indians: Yes, fine, thanks.
Cubs: More water?
Indians: All set, I’d just like to-
Cubs: Refresh your wine?
Indians: No, thank you, but the food is getting col-
Cubs: Care for the dessert menu?
Indians: No, please, let me eat my dinn-
Cubs: More…

Jayson Williams tried shotgunning, and that didn’t end well.

This will be widely appreciated.

Hauschka: Hi Russell, nice to meet you.