I bet he’s going to have the biggest shit-eating grin on his face since a dazed Mark Sanchez.

Ever like something, but hate everyone else who likes that thing?

As an Italian-American, he should have a healthy fear of those fucking killers.

Had me at repeated use of “dong” but the spelling out of “hashtag” sealed the deal.

“Napping? That guy didn’t look Puerto Rican.”

OK, South Carolina, you’ve got the bars covered but I wouldn’t consider one of the Blowfish a real star.

“Nej nej nej!”

“Man, that looks way better than a barrel!”

I know you feel about Rain Man (1988) and Philadelphia (1993), but can you point out the humor in the Monica Lewinsky situation?

Asked what, precisely, explained his obsession with the wrestler, the suspect mentioned her GLOW.

That is incredible. When Greg Norman collapsed on the golf course, he always had to wait until Thursday to get back out there.

I’d be pretty suspicious if the Redskins were offering me a calendar. It’s only a matter of time before they try to get back at us for that whole blanket giveaway.

Lance should be the one doing the needling, no?

Flawed mechanics can cause a lot of pain, which is why their old ladies should watch their mouths.

I’ve been in the same league for 14 years now. Eight of us went to high school together and the other four ended up joining the league in college. We don’t really tease each other too much—besides the usual stuff that happens when a dozen 30-somethings get together, drink beer and choose our fake football teams.

I don’t remember him signing with Cleveland?!?

Not to defend the guy, but his claim that she “looked at least 14” usually meant she was at least 25.

They could do it, and considering college football players’ refusal to take no for an answer, they probably will.

Listen, if this guy wants to explain how taking a shot in the face inevitably hurts the team, he should start with Jovan Belcher.

It’s clearly a big deal. Why else would the Morris Plains PD treat Marijuana as a proper noun?