AP, I'm sure the Raiders are watching. The clown suit's a bit much.

I am by no means a good soccer player, but my biggest pet peeve is a player who's amazing with one foot and garbage with the other.

Why don't you make like a tree and get out of the CONCACAF Champions League group sta...

Jesus Christ, golden retrievers are adorable even when they're talking about hundreds of thousands of people dying.

Leave it the Zen Master to quote the official French motto in a tweet.

Yup, first time around and I missed a week of training two weeks back.

What if my freak out has started 44 hours before the race?

+1 throat rip

That's pretty fucking cowardly, but I thought it was the Tin Man who didn't have a heart.

Pictured: The CBS execs should've thought twice about changing the show's slogan for Survivor, AP.

The Heart of Scouting Darkness

It took 25 years, but it looks like I'm no longer the biggest fuckface in this town.

I'm going to assume esurance was making some crass joke about man's propensity for premature ejaculation, in which case it should read "... in a Rick."

I'm so not hip I intentonally misuse words to seem hip.

Fuller's ESB is the balls. Red Hook ESB also ain't bad. It sucks that 99% of shelf space at grocery stores are jammed with shitty IPAs because other types of beer are still drinkable.

Bitters give me boners.

I haven't watched a Bears game with other people since the NFC Championship, so I'm on your team.

If Latrell Sprewell sits behind you, Coach, don't recline your seat.

Or, as I call it, every day since 1986.