i really wanted your post to be told from the perspective of the fish, with the coup de grace being something along the lines of “your modeling costar is a vapid-presenting woman,” which would have filled me with such glee.

Oh lord... Miss April has me so hard right now. I’d like to fertilize her roe.

“Twelve magnificent carp will be presented in 2017 with no less attractive women according to the theme...”

Is this the uniform?

Well religious entities are tax exempt.

Wow, “Touchdown Catch” really undersells that highlight. What a grab.

If this kind of thing becomes a trend, I’d hate to be the guy who loses the Motel 6 Cactus Bowl.

That’s hyperbolic nonsense. The Phantom Menace is one of the worst major-release films ever made. It’s fine to dislike The Force Awakens, but c’mon.

It was like watching Jordan in his prime just destroy everyone ... he used a GUY to kill someone by flinging his body around - so awesome!!

Force Awakens was fine. It really was. John Boyega ruled, Daisy Ridley ruled, Oscar Isaac wasn’t in it enough but he was good in the parts he was in, Kylo Ren was weird and intimidating, seeing Han and Chewy and Leia again ruled, it had good lightsaber shit and good X-wing shit and good Millennium Falcon shit and it…

Yo, seriously, [MAJOR SPOILER ALERT] Vader’s rampage right at the end was probably the most fuckin’ amped I’ve been in a movie theater in years. I felt like my head was going to pop.

oh Joe you didn’t!

(No pun intended.)

ITS NOT EVEN A GOOD FUCKING PUN

Brett? This is Curt, I’m calling about the opening at Breitbart you applied for. We just checked your resume, and your in.

Oof.

The worst part about that play was not that Pete Carroll, shitbag of the year, decided to run a fake punt while up 24-3 with five minutes left in the game, but rather that Pete Carroll, shitbag of the year, was laughing like a sociopath on the sidelines while his training staff was checking whether or not his punter…

I appreciate their tribute to Craig Sager.

Man this is one gigantic slippery fucking slope in like 19 different directions.

<yakov smirnoff voice> IN RUSSIA, YOUNG ADULT FICTION IS FACT!!