Marshawn is just using the flagrant disregard for the rules of soccer as a metaphor to show the producers of the “Into the Woods” film that they should have included the narrator from the original musical theater production. Biscuits and Gravy. 

Steven Spielberg is there too, unfortunately for him.

Now I’m really confused. The head of the Small Business Administration is married to CNN?

I’m sure they’re all enjoy a rousing game of “The Floor is Lava”

I guess Jepsen saying “Call me maybe” actually worked

Well, what can you expect when this is his entrance song

I mean, Americans play-acting as nazis in anything but a Tarantino film makes me mad, but to have the nazi navy ensign on an army troop transport is just infuriating. What’s their BS excuse for that? They want to honor the kriegsmarine and the wehrmacht? Or wait, maybe I should be happy that they’re bad at being…

I know, I so wanted whoever was throwing BP to intentionally mix in some incredibly-out-of-the-strke-zone pitches, just...to see...

If only the Onion was the paper of record, I’m sure this mistake would not have happened.

Yeah! If they didn’t already know that we’ve ALWAYS been at war with Oceania, they might as well learn it now.

Happy Juneteenth!

I know they drive on the wrong side of the street in England, but only buttoning the bottom button of a suit jacket?

It’s only because Ortiz was forced to dress up as a Minion during the usual umpire hazing rituals.

He totally needed a parrot on his shoulder to tell him to stop at third.

Oh, I thought The Rock was going to play Zuck in the 2024 reboot of “The Social Network”

I’m glad you were able to give the Wunderteen a cameo in this story.

As a lifelong DC sports fan, I am definitely willing to say that all our team names are lame. I mean, our football team name is so well beyond lame that it is hard to think of it in a lame/not lame dichotomy, but being racist it is also lame. And the possibility that it derives from the current Boston baseball team…

But enough about Tom Brady

Where’s the outrage about fat-shaming Kim Jong-un in the same monologue?