Also:

How do I reach these keeeeeeeds?

How many of these people were naked?

Liked for user name/comment synergy.

Alexa—size doesn’t matter, right?

They’ll also need good stool pigeons. I am very well-versed in stool-pigeonry. 

We had a good run. I for one, welcome our new Robot overlords and remind them that they’ll need people with English Degrees to help them further understand emotions.

Wait, so Alexa doesn’t think I’m funny? It’s like I don’t know who she is anymore.

It begins.....

*sound of a thousand tons of Cheetos dust being brushed off of t-shirts*

This meeting isn’t about violence in video games. Trump just wants a remastered Custer’s Revenge.

“People say ‘Barry if you don’t love America why don’t you leave it?’ Because I don’t want to be a victim of its foreign policies.”

RIP, Barry. :(

“What do you want, Schnatter? I’m polishing my forehead!”

They tried to score the gig as official pizza to the Vatican, but rival chain Papal John has that one sewn up.

Same here. My friends and I would get drunk and basically do the “back in the bowl” routine for hours, escalating it until we were just screaming it at each other.

When I was a kid, I could have gone to see “Star Wars” again, but instead I saw “The Private Eyes” with Tim Conway and Don Knotts and I was absolutely delighted with my choice.

Any time a comedic performance is nominated I root for it to win regardless of my opinion of it.

It is also streaming for free on The Roku Channel.

“As a rule of thumb, I don’t go for clients and any mook can tell you that water types and electric types don’t mix. But this dame had gams up to her shell and moxie. She had me eating pokeberries out of the palm of her hands in not time”

In Australia, we call it a knifey-spoony clinic.