I wish I knew more about how they produced those segments. I can’t imagine it not being scripted, but Clarke’s delivery is so natural that it seems like he is coming up with the answers on the spot. And if that’s the case, then Bryan Dawe has a world-class poker face.  Or the third explanation, it’s a mix of both and…

Offload him to the Cubs!

I’ve never done THIS, but one time in high school we stopped at a Subway and wound up getting an extra sandwich we didn’t want. Since we were headed to a movie and it was 6000 degrees out, the sandwich couldn’t be left in the car, so obviously, it had to be disposed of.

Order it dry!  It still comes out wet, just, not as bad.  

We like all of our 1st round draft picks to be in pristine condition before they get crushed by actual football players.

Fair enough, but you’ll forget about all of these dudes when Eloy Jimenez finally is called up. Knowing there is nothing he can do to earn a promotion, he’s coasting to a .376 average at AAA. The Yankees are in town this week, so get a good look at Gleyber Torres and realize: eventually, you’re getting someone…

Ah, but would they have been Pro-Bowl QBs without a HOF receiver like Owens on the other end?

Just kidding, of course. T.O. was great, but he never had to put up with the kind of shit QBs Larry Fitzgerald has had through most of his career.

Same thing with alcohol.  It doesn’t invent new behaviors, it just removes the chocks that keep those behaviors from rolling into traffic.

Have you ever met a member of state legislature?  Think about the electoral college, and the fact that every one of those almost-empty spaces has a state representative.  A vast majority of them are dumber than a brick and half as useful.

“Will this help me sell pizzas? Ok, let’s say it.”

Of course.  Remember, there’s no such thing as clutch.

That’s what I was going for. Everyone’s better at internet than me.

Finally, he had decided to sell the original red 240SX coupe and its turbo motor to a cousin and his half brother.

Yeah, anyone with a slide rule could have told you that guy with the career .000 OPS was going to come up big in that situation.

I’m sure he meant to endorse at least one candidate for something in Indiana, right?

No?

This has got to be where the meteor is heading.

So... what would the PROPER response be? Will our thoughts and prayers bring them back? Will hand-wringing make murder stop being a thing? Would a billion strangers’ tears, real or imagined, make it any less painful for those that survived?

Go to a Rookie (A) or low (A) ballgame, and realize that despite the fact that nearly every player on the field is the best baseball player to ever come out (whatever town they are from) a full 95% of them will still never make it out of the minor leagues.

“Cybersecurity.”  No wonder you got hit.

A friend of mine just bought a spec house in a subdivision that has been growing steadily for the past four or five years. After setting a closing date, she sat down to arrange to have all her cable/internet services transferred, only to find out - they don’t service that subdivision.

Stop this, it reeks of reality.