I have found it funny that the worse I look, the more likely I am to get hit on. I can walk in my neighborhood with enormous plaid pajama pants, a dirty neon sweatshirt that totally clashes, no makeup and hair like a rats nest and get many more yells and honks than when I walk around looking like I stepped right out…

What's super hilarious about it is that funeral directors look sharp, but we sure as shit don't make a lot of money. That visa he's aching to get a gander of is full up trying to buy the suits that make him hit on me. A weird, sad cycle.

HA! I've gotten that one to, when dressed up for a work event. "Giiirrrlllll you wanna take me on a ride in that Camry? You can buy me a hamburger!" I laughed because I didn't think he could possibly be serious. I mean, has that ever worked for these guys??

So I'mma funeral director type person. Had to work a graveside service (not even as the FD; as a damn helper because we were short staffed) in Georgia in July in a black fucking suit and black fucking tights and sensible black fucking shoes and my hair in a sensible gotdamn sock bun and after the service I am a…

During one of my first forays into the bar scene, a random guy wandered over to the table I was sitting at while my friends played pool. He didn't say anything, just leaned on the table and pulled out his phone with a severely cracked screen.

In college, I was a no make-up wearing nature-y art major. My favorite outfit was this fairly long, heavy gray wool skirt, black wool sweater, black wool cap and long gray coat. Flashy, right? I had take the Greyhound bus to get from college to my hometown to visit my parents. Anyway, an Amish dude gets on the…

At a really douchey preppy bar on the Upper East Side:

Twice, I have been called at work and told a dearly loved one has died (2004 and 2012, respectively). Twice I left work in utter grief and took a cab to the nearest bar/place to mourn. Watching and hearing me sob, both cab drivers asked who had died. "A friend." Oh, was it a dear friend? A boyfriend, perhaps? Would…

My bestfriend's Boyfriend's friend's house party.

This isn't actually that weird. In fact, it seems rather normal in comparison to some of these stories. What made it strange, for me, was the fact that it was coming from someone I considered to be my best friend. He had never shown any interest in me, over the two or three years that we hung out, and I was starting…

One summer a friend and I were at a party and we started talking to these two really nice guys (friends of friends). We both had kindofboyfriends at the time (summer flings), and weren't interested in the guys beyond thinking they were fun and friendly. However, the guys clearly had made some sort of bro agreement…

On a late summer/early fall evening, I was getting ready for bed in my dorm room in Australia, where I was studying abroad.

Can't top that. And I don't know if this is wierd or just unfortunate.

I'm going to rant here rather than in a response, because this is an open letter to people who think "the jury is still out":

This is my strategy with my hippie friends - my newborn isn't going anywhere near their potentially disease-ridden children, thanks.

Firstly, dislike for McCarthy is extremely valid, particularly for the danger she has and continues to pose to public health and scientific literacy. Secondly, McCarthy is not leaving The View in solidarity with Sherri Shepherd, sacrificing her own career to support her friend. She GOT FIRED. However, that…

"The Flat Child Podcast"

I didn't know that show was still going. watched it once, with a different cast, and I was insulted by the morons they chose to represent "women". Maybe if they had some smart people it would be a good format, but I guess smart people have something better to do mid-morning.

So, one child endangerment advocate and one flat-earther gone. So...yay TV?

And, to be fair, if Shia Labeouf were starring in Cabaret then the police would be justified in arresting him every night.