These are two of the nine basic questions of journalism, the other seven being, 1. Huh? 2. Seriously? 3. Come on! (Not technically a question) 4.Is Harrison Ford a quarter Jewish? 5. What in the ever loving fuck!? 6. Dick pics? 7. Should McDonald’s make the McRib a permanent menu item? ( Answer: Yes.)

My dad knows some Navy Seals and Special Forces guys who owe him a favor or two.

Just remember Kirsten, it’s not a lie, if you believe it. Now stop posting on here and start jumping your unicorn into the fecal contaminated waters of Rio!

Thanks for the follow. Right back at ya.

For some reason I didn’t see the last paragraph of this post! So jealous! Bless the yuengling family. Longest operating brewery in America.

Sometimes a cucumber is just a cucumber.

It is something else, at a place called Sunnys’s here in Charlotte. Your tomatoes look delicious! But just for my own weird textural and sensory reasons I only eat tomatoes diced, like on a nice bruschetta or in soft tacos or as a salsa dip. Bet you could dice those tomatoes up real nice.

I drank a lot, went to the beach, and am headed to my hometown of Baltimore to visit a dear friend and watch the O’s kill the hated Red Sox!

Hmm....

Well, Myra, I just ate this for dinner as one of my last Southern meals before my wife and I head back to Dubai. Just so we’re clear, that’s a platter of sliced pork barbecue, pork ribs, bbq baked beans, coleslaw, cornbread, pink lemonade, and yuengling draft beer. I didn’t grow it, but I sure as hell ate the shit out…

That’s a world class tattoo!

Please let me know where On the interwebs I can live stream this.

This immediately makes you the most versatile, if sadly, the most irrelevant Olympian ever. I support your possibly fake, but what I am assuming to be genuine Olympic accomplishments. Are you doing all these things at once, cause that would be friggin phenomenal.

Did you see the new Olympic sport I invented Tina. Gella is going to bribe the I to have it introduced to the Olympic schedule post haste.

Considering the massive corruption the IOC is part of, we might need to discover some backdoor channels and offer a bribe. I have about 800 dollars in my checking account.

I am no opposed to this, if you have such connections.

I did, didn’t I? (Opens journal and begins scribbling furiously.)

Well, just the other night, while watching the Olympics, I downed 8 double vodka tonics, posted to JEZEBEL 13 times, and racked up over a thousand stars on my comments. Not that I keep a detailed journal of how many stars I aquire.

Yeah, I was gonna say why not throw in drunk who has twice been convicted of DUI. Kudos, though, to Phelps for making what looks to be by all accounts a genuine and serious attempt to better himself as a human being.

I resent that you didn’t use my name in your headline Gella. My Olympic accomplishments have long gone unnoticed.