Nah, it’s just gotten into Kim’s fondant makeup.

Ah, a mere cat.

My dad used to joke when I had braces that all I needed in addition to those railroad tracks were glasses and then I would never find a husband.

Dad when I was 15: “You could stand to lose a few...” I was around 135 then...and I’m 5’7”.

“You are the fattest person I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting.” -Mom

Thanks, Obama!

So you’re saying I can’t go to an “All you can eat” buffet with 4 friends, pay for one meal, and feed everyone????

I blame the English language. It’s not Natasha’s fault that “All you can eat” can be singular or plural (and boo to Denny’s for taking advantage of the ambiguity). This wouldn’t have happened in Shakespeare’s day. When the tavern had an “All thou canst eat” special, everybody knew it only meant thee, not thy whole…

Is it just me, or do you stop taking someone seriously the minute they use the word ‘hubby’ in a professional email?

But you guys, what if bonus child is her pet name for Tom?!?!?

And coffee.

Abortion cookies for everyone.

I read that too fast & my brain thought you said “Tagalog”. Now I’m wondering how many cookies it takes to start speaking indigenous languages of the Philipines?

Only because I get myself pregnant with cookies.

BUT WHAT ABOUT SAMOAS??!?!?!

Only Tagalongs will turn you gay. If you stick with Thin Mints, you should be fine.

Finally, I can come out of the closet. I like to eat human flesh. But thank you for accepting me openly and lovingly. I wouldn’t be here, feasting on babies, if it weren’t for the gays.

Five boxes did it for me! Then I ate 50 bacons, and now I’m bi.