I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere.

I’m pretty sure Crosby made a Mapplethorpe-style self-portait with the Cup sometime between last season’s bullshit championship and this season’s bullshit championship.

Exactly what I came here for.

“You know what I like.”

It will go down as a foul ball, but that was almost a sack fly.

Ironically most predators in Nashville lose interest after graduation.

Are we still celebrating the cultural enrichment that comes with letting Muslims live alongside civilization?  

I’m still writing 2016 MLB All-Star Game on my checks!!!

One team was just Tiger Williams skating around Canada looking for people to punch.

1. Read Lifehacker until pace reaches 7:00

If that’s the series, I will root for San Andreas.

the Capitals never woke up, and their offseason came earlier than they expected once again

Jules:. Does he look like a fish?

That is pornographic.

Roland Capers sounds like the name of a college point guard...

There’s a story from... maybe Tales from the Mos Eisley Cantina? About an AT-AT driver who comes up with the tactic of having the AT-AT crouch down like a sitting dog to avoid exposing its legs. The general in charge of the AT-AT program gets mad that there could be even a whiff of weakness, and puts said driver back…

[flying circular saw disc comes out and slices my head clean off]