Yes, honey, I listed the car. See? That’s what they’re worth, I swear! Now get off my back.

well maybe you shouldn’t have chosen Jolly Fats Weehawkin Cruise Line/Petroleum Transport.

annnnnd it already broke down, literally on the way home for the guy who bought it

it is true; i hail from the Mound of Flowers

One of the Tulsa kids ran forward but turned his back to save his face. Had he gone forward, he would have blocked it.

I have long been fascinated by the automats, so I am 100% behind this.

It’s as if something like lunch doesn’t have to be a “thing” anymore. Maybe we’ll see a resurgence in automats like back in the day:

well yeah you only need like what 3 buicks to have a 90 day supply?

Anyone that has qualms about how we treat delicious chickens, should just remember that these motherfucking dinosaurs would tear your shit up if they were just a bit bigger. It’s not animal abuse; it’s self-preservation, delicious, finger-licking, self-preservation.

Pitcher: “Your frequent replacement of perfectly fine baseballs is excessive.”

Umpire: “What? Why wouldn’t the Freemasons find Spaceballs impressive?”

[...mutual confused silence...]

Pitcher, Umpire, Batter, and Catcher together: “Bill Pullman sucks.”

“Sir, this is an empty room”

“I used to have trouble getting it up, because of E.D.*”

No, you A-L-W-A-Y-S call the police first; before doing anything else. Produces immediate documentation of the time you called, whom you spoke with, and your immediate side of the story before a patrol officer arrives. This is in ANY situation with another party.

“They need to hit guys the right way.”

At the scene?

It’s a lawless zone where social norms can touch you. I’d go as far as to say that the elusive pre-9am, pre-vacation beer is one of the more Elite Beers in existence.

This probably isn’t even a question. But is there a worst decision than trying to sleep next to your kid?

Happens to the best of us. Your laying it out—absolutely everything possible—in the conference room for the last doughnut and boom there’s the conference room table that you completely forgot. Once your hung up on it, there’s no way to recover. It’s a mid morning nap or nothing

Simple: spoon or fork up some of their meal and go: “Choo choo train pulling into the station... Open up! CHOO CHOO!”. If the patron turns away and/or spits up the food, you know they weren't into it. Otherwise, you just earned that 20%!

I mean, Double-A is basically the bush league, so...