That widow is a Angelina stan let's keep it real here.

I'm pretty sure that a beat down was in order. Maybe it's because I'm black and our hair is an issue dejour, but I would have beat the shit out of her. And my (fictitious) husband probably would have understood and been okay with said beatdown of his sister. I don't get why anyone would think that it's okay to cut…

Pizza makes me feel sexy.

You can't pizza shame me!!

No one really NEEDS pizza

HOW DARE YOU.

Good luck changing your girlfriend to suit your tastes, bro!

Dear Taylor,

Okay, I am not defending her actions AT ALL, but having worked at animal shelters, I can tell you that the amount of people who dump their unwanted pets on the side of the road, at intersections, etc. is huge. I'd rather this lady do what she did (safely restrained with his stuff where someone could find him) rather…

Having to "give peace" to the clammy handed creepo that specifically seeks me out during peace. #RupertsFault

This one time when I was tiny, I played a sheep in the church's Christmas nativity play and I wandered off the stage to find my mom which made my Sunday school teacher nearly shit a brick in rage. Now my parents mention it every single year at Christmas, bonus points if I've brought a date home.

My dog pissed in the hallway today. #RupertsFault

I have to go to work tomorrow. #RupertsFault

I slipped on some ice on the sidewalk today. Thanks a lot, Rupert.

They can't numb it first? Why not?

Oh my god, yes!! I've been trying to keep this recent addiction to sweet n' salty down to one bag a week. I just went to the store and found no trace of it on the shelves. I'm going to reserve panic and check out a different store because things that are sweet, salty, and crunchy can only be described as: (that noise…

Yup, that was my serving size last night. All hell's going to break loose when my husband discovers that only pretzels are left in the bag (I hate pretzels).

There are two wonderful things happening here in this story: