How are you still alive?!

This makeup is perfection. I need to know what this is. Generosity of spirit in letting me know what she uses might get her reinstated. I know people. Well, I've heard of people who know people.

Lake, who is an attorney specializing in medical marijuana cases

Not meanies, practical. The owner isn't USING the body any more, damn it! So why should a kitty starve?

Again?

You will now always vomit when you eat grapes. My work here is done.

I believe the phrase Emma used when I sent this piece to her was

For fuck's sake, don't google it. It's awful.

Kitchenette's new tag line should be "GLUTEN... IT'S CARCASS FREE!"

I will be performing a live reading of this edition of Tara Reid Actual Mermaid Theater later on this evening in my living room. If you wish to attend, tickets are available at the box office for $9.99. Reserve online for a 15% discount or sign-up for our Special Tara Reid Mermaid Theater VIP Club for 20% off all…

sneaking piña coladas in Puerto Rico while being filmed as a teenager for a reality show

We live in a country where someone can own ten houses and another person can be financially destroyed by medical bills. Why the fuck does anyone think medical care is a privilege?

It's sad that stuff like this happens... I remember the days when kids accidentally shot their parents in locally-owned mom and pop stores.

You mean like those of us who keep our guns unloaded, locked in a safe, and wouldn't dream of letting our children near them? I'm so excited to be an emerald sphinctered mermaid!

Pardon me?

They are so cute and I love them so much and I just can't even BUNNIES.

It's like the big dance scene at the end of the movie where everyone realizes that we just all need to get along!

If the employee did not want to wear the bikini on TV and couldn't opt for the t-shirt, why fire her? Just let her go home for the day or don't film her. Firing her is just being an extra big, gaping asshole for the fun of being an extra big, gaping asshole. And I can totally understand her not wanting to be…

Gah, I'd have given in right away. Pets figure that out right away about me. My ex gf had two cats and two dogs, and they had me figured out in less than an hour. She was all "They may take a while to warm up to you..." and they were all "This guy is ok, looks like he might have food..."

True. You should return your kid. To God.