*reading directly from phone*

*goes back to eating cheeseburger*

Hello, my name is sarcasm. I don’t believe we’ve met.

It is impossible, verbally or in text, for Donald Trump to not sound weird.

I love the smirk the ref gives him.

Or Russell Wilson.

And a fish-and-chips-related grease stain on his jersey.

What a leader. Inspirational.

Correct. You’d need to be a military-quality sniper armed with the correct rifle yourself and have the ability to discern the location of the shooter and get off a clean shot while under fire.

This also contributes, yes.

I don’t know if you missed it, but there is no time to talk about that. We all basically agreed on that after Sandy Hook.

*Stephen A. Smith voice*

Always. Gun sales always rise after a well-publicized shooting because everyone thinks they’re gonna be John McClane if the situation arises (when in reality, it takes years and years of fairly intense training and practice as well as a natural gift of quick reflexes to be helpful at all in a situation like this while…

That move has actually nearly crippled multiple dudes who can’t remember that it’s a belly landing and tuck their heads.

What is this Chicago PD horseshit on USA? Sunday is SVU Day!

I’m gonna hop out on this limb here and say that Vince had nothing to do with that.

Ugly Women’s Shoe Styles, Ranked:

Dean Spanos might be the thinnest skinned babyman in the NFL, which is no small feat.

I’ve seriously unfollowed every person I know with one on Twitter (and I only follow joke/one-liner/comedy accounts anyway) because I know some pie-in-the-sky horseshit is destined to follow.

Some poor girl asking how she ended up with Bangs McPretentious, Swamp Thing and someone’s barely English-literate aunt.