It took you 10 months to come up with that? Was your spell check broken or did your Grammerly account lapse?

Big Ben with nothing to do must be a Steel-Town stripper nightmare.

No worries, Miami’s elite defense should be able to contain him...

Tommy “Machine Gun” Morrison cured AIDS so way can’t Gronk cure CTE?

Opinions (or, in this case, accurate observations) of his efforts not withstanding- he is paid to play on a professional baseball team.

Eh, he was a question mark. A few people thought he could be a big deal but most were skeptics- his college record plus a lot of hype made him a high pick.

He wasn’t an NFL bust. He performed wwwaaaayyyy above his skill level and expectations... for a while. And when his performance reverted back to the mean he wound up where no one expected him to wind up.... playing a professional sport.

I call my circulatory system the “police station” because it’s clogged with useless globules of fat. 

As a public service, I take the drugs people aren’t going to use to the police station to be destroyed.

Is that a wink-wink-I-flushed-the-pills? Like, “Publicly, I’m saying I flushed the pills; privately, you can take the rest”

After I left the hospital, I got prescribed Percocet—a mixture of oxycodone and acetaminophen. But I never took the pills, because they scared me to death.

You got it... my friend 

Lawrence Taylor told me to “fuck off” when I was 11.

I would argue that not a single element in this story rises to the level of “important”

All due respect to field hockey players, but I’ve killed house flies that were more important than a college field hockey game.

I’m more fun than the guy telling everyone why they should have laughed at a joke they didn’t find funny.

No shit, you googley-eyed moron!

For the players:

It will be like watching a fireworks factory explode in slow motion.

J! E! T! S!