[GESTICULATES AT MICROPHONE EVEN THOUGH NO ONE CAN HEAR IT]

I like how the review praises the movie (however faintly) for making the women boilerplate adolescent male fantasies (they’re just one of the boys!) instead of nagging scolds. That sure is... something.

It’s tiresome shit like this that reminds me why I don’t keep many male friends.

“Hey, I just found out nobody’s been pressing the fart effect button!”

At some point after 1990 or so, George Lucas made the same mistake every slow 9-year-old on the planet makes - confusing Star Wars for science fiction, instead of the magical sword-and-sandal fantasy with sci-fi trappings that it really is. So, he decided to shoehorn a bunch of “hard” sci-fi elements into the…

Pee Wee and Simone (again) or GTFO.

I read the headline wrong and thought it was talking about something called “melon spread”, like maybe some kind of paste made of melon slurry, and thought “well, people deserve to get sick for eating something so disgusting.”

Let’s simplify this a little:

Alec Baldwin is about as perfunctory a game show host as I’ve ever seen. If you want to know what having fun at gunpoint might look like, watch him during Match Game. There are times I expect him to read his own stage directions off the cue cards.

Their pizza makes me shit hot tar, so this makes sense.

International House Of ‘Beetus.

It’s true, though. It really is more like high impact team gymnastics.

But that’s kind of the point - someone bought those blocks on the very good bet that those times would be primarily viewed by their target demo. It’s not unreasonable to think that CBS had their programming lined up well over two weeks (or months, even) ahead of time, because, well, they did. The advertisers would…

If there’s one thing that matters most to advertisers, it’s that their money is spent reaching their intended audience. I mean, that’s what TV is all about. For example, you don’t see children’s toy commercials during late-night programming, ever. Or, if you do, it’s because there’s some other demographic watching…

Same here! In fact, now that I think about it, I’ll be watching CBSSN tonight for the airing of the PBA Finals that I attended in person a few weeks ago.

Miss Genetic Lottery Winner.

Semi-related:

“I just come up with a bunch of sloppy half-thoughs and aimless banter that Bruce Vilanch will inevitably rewrite a few days before the show.”

I want a David Cronenberg-esque body horror sequence where all of the characters get ripped apart then reassembled with a mix of each other’s parts and personalities. Then they all get glued that way, so that they stay that way for the rest of the movie before being dismissively given to the little sister, while the…

There are some illusions that I find interesting on a technical level, but this is almost “okay, everybody, turn around and cover your eyes” territory. I mean, couldn’t he have sprung for a Jetsons tube, or something, by this point?