Man, he’s gonna be pissed when someone reads this article to him.

“I wish I was unbeaten.”

Alternate headlines for this story:

Cops HATE Her! Baltimore Prosecutor Holds People Responsible for Killing a Guy With This One Weird Trick.

in an ironic turn of events, the police union is now demanding an “independent prosecutor”

They thought Yordano Ventura was pitching tonight.

Sounds like somebody doesn’t want a bunch of people with cell phones to witness Baltimore’s Finest wailing on some protesters.

“The Baltimore police ask that you remain in your seats while they figure out the best way to escalate the situation.”

No no, you heard it wrong. Bartolo Colon added chives to his lunch. Which he ate.

METS CHIDE BARTOLO COLON FOR EATING LUNCH.

Yes. That’s obviously the important thing to remember here.

And yet somehow *I* was the mediawhore/distraction.

What the Santa Clara Youth Soccer League fails to realize is that these parking lots are more than a place to park your car, they’re a place where families and friends gather to celebrate what Sundays are all about, alcoholism, violence, and archaic standards for the treatment of women.

“If we can’t play decent football in this town, nobody will.” - the 49ers

Cue the racist hot takes applauding Brett Favre for keeping his cool every time a sexual partner asked where his tip was.

Disney just doesn’t want anything spoiling the rich canon of their IP’s...right?

Can Tebow win on Chopped? Can he rock that polo shirt?

[picks up phone; cancels all Monday guests]—

Waiting for the update that she’s just been hired at Fox News