When I was twelve, my mom told me if I still had my dad’s big Italian/Jewish nose when I was fifteen, she would pay for a nose job.

When my grandfather was in the hospital because they just discovered he had dementia his sister-in-law was berating him in a similar way. Wether he didn’t recognize her or the dementia turned off his politeness I can’t say, but he finally called her a mean old witch. I bet he had wanted to say that for years.

Don’t try to date the pretty girls Brian.

I was a distinctly homely kid and once overheard my mother saying she was relieved I wasn’t pretty because I wouldn’t be a target for molesters and perverts.

I don’t even know where to start.

“I have had 5 kids and I am not as fat as you” my mom to me at the first xmas I brought my husband to. She then attempted to make out with my husband in the bathroom and when he rebuffed her, asked her boyfriend to kick his ass. She was not drunk.

My dad used to joke when I had braces that all I needed in addition to those railroad tracks were glasses and then I would never find a husband.

One day I came home from school in tears because some other kids had called “fat” and “gross”. I asked my mom if I was pretty (still crying) and she nonchallantly answers with “well honey, some people just aren’t that lucky.”

and like, carrot shavings

We would have also accepted “Catholicism.”

I spend most of my time sitting on my ass, so I imagine 3 seconds isn’t gonna be that hard to accidentally do.

Gorgeousness! I really wish I liked curried anything. I try and I try but it just isn’t happening. It is limiting when trying to veer vegetarian.

Never read the comments.

Atlas chugged.

I read Anthony Bourdain’s tweet as “Echo and the Bunnymen came in”. Which would have been really awesome.

@Chloe Grace Moretz.

As a Kentuckian, both the ass-grabbing and the weird food predilections, especially regarding gravy, all jive with the local lore about the Colonel.

Let’s all make a promise that when/if we become famous, we will all be Kevin Smith Famous.

I would have thought Colonel Sanders would be a breast man.