Usually I’m annoyed about run-on sentences, but this was masterful.

I came the closest to shitting my pants in my adult life just last week because my wife talked me into doing this stupid juice cleanse with her and everything was going fine then on day three I was walking down the street and it hit all at once and I literally was going to shit my pants so I had to speed-waddle to the…

I studied abroad in Tours, France during the summer of 2009. This was like a mini study abroad—only a month—but we did homestays and I befriended a group of girls on the trip who were advanced French majors and made some local friends through them, so my French improved a lot.

I once ripped one at work that was so foul that the owner thought there was something wrong with the plumbing and called in plumbers to try to figure it out. They were there for hours, and I never had the heart to fess up. God, I was an idiot.

I was helping the inlaws by carrying their thousand pound toddler while they were haggling for some TV. The kid hacked up chunky bologna vomit. I pulled a chair over the mess and moved to a new section of the store.

This response made me snort.

If your home is not a Kafkaesque canine nightmare, what is even the point of having a dog?

By definition, a screen door without a screen is no longer a screen door.

In fairness, the toaster, the toilet and the screen door that doesn’t have a screen at my house all confuse my dog.

I’d like to start a round-table discussion about how much this confuses our dogs.

It’s so amazing that you and your dog never encounter an emergency pharmacy run or another other of life’s small inconveniences when you’re together. Not all of us responsible pet owners have that luxury. Sometimes shit happens and Fido isn’t going to die from spending 5 minutes in the car with the windows cracked. It…

I just bark-laughed at blent. Thank god my office is almost deserted.

I’m actually curious how long this self imposed ban will last. My guess until the first debate. She's also got a cute kid and dog.

I love this tweet.

I wonder if they still have draconian rules on when you can get a milkshake.

never before have i heard a description of a woman that was in complete opposition with myself.

Throw in a taco bowl?

SO DIGESTIBLE!!!