“Jimmy Butler’s performance was so professional he’s now officially Jimmy Majordomo."

NO WAY MAN I’M TOTALLY A HUNNERD PERCENT SERIOUS

Her decision makes perfect sense! The Army of the Dead was a pushover, a haphazardly organized and fractious coalition of different armies that don’t even share a common language duffed it into hell and destroyed it forever in a single night, and she’d have been out of her mind to march her army north to participate…

You’re also missing “no swag” which seems like just a regular whistle.

Remember when you spent a few weeks trying to make “son” a verb?

To make matters worse, next year Kevin Durant will be lost in New York.

It looked like the Revolution setting fruity picks on Chappelle's Show

as a teammate, he was invaluable.

I’m a couple of years younger than Ichiro, and if I attempted that throw my arm would vacate its socket and travel further than the ball.

Sick and tired of reading about all these rich, old guys getting off. 

This is some serial killer shit

yes.

If you turn his picture upside down, it’s every dude ever doing a keg stand.

Funny story: when Dane Cook released his Madison Square concert film, I felt his bit about TiVO (God, dating this further) ripped off one Patton Oswalt did. I felt so incensed I actually sent a MySpace message about this to Patton and (because this was early internet) got a response.

“Hey, lay off the guy. How’s he…

“Not cheesy enough.”

You may be underestimating the number of editors at The Ringer. 

I don’t read Breitbart because I’m a functional human being who generally tries to avoid content that is intentionally repulsive. There’s a line. Splinter’s writers are amusing for their lack of self-awareness and their utter belief that what they’re writing is moving the needle. Breitbart’s content is designed to…

You... you don’t know what DIY is.

Getting into to college is harder than staying in college.  Especially places like USC.

Cleveland will be different now that the fishermen are no longer the only ones hauling in sick catches.