Or Liberace, saying the bad reviews of his performance were so mean, he cried all the way to the bank.

please do not beat your wife.

I’m a DV survivor & I’ve been confused as well...if he doesn’t know how to get in touch with her to say he’s sorry, they are not domiciled together. DV isn’t the same as guy on girl violence. There needs to be a bad word for a guy who hits us.

just because you shoplifted a candy bar in Toronto one time does not make you a suave international criminal

I’m a 42 year old woman who has never actually seen a Diva cup, or its aftermath, in real life.

Being female automatically subjects me to all kinds of horrors, but the fact that I have no idea what you’re talking about sort of makes me think it’s worth it.

I’m a sous chef, & I occasionally think I gotta go back to the office, get a real job. Then I read this kinda shit, & I go back to my knives & fire. NEVERMIND!!

Celery is a strangely wonderful thing. I work in a kitchen, & I could nibble on any number of things on the job, but it’s usually the celery that finds its way into my mouth somehow. I could be eating chicken wings! french fries! & yet it’s more satisfying somehow to crunch into a celery stick, then bend it so I peel…

Maryland offered me a full tuition scholarship, plus 3 grand for room & board. I turned it down, ‘cause I didn’t like the culture.

I’m a blue-eyed blonde, & I’d be interested to know what color people I could make with that guy.

It’s actually the #1 movie of the year, & it won 8 Oscars including Best Screenplay..

A somewhat more rustic version of this is a classic wherever I happen to be living...

I’m not using conditioner today, ‘cause I forgot that I ran out yesterday.

Now that is a beautiful baby. I want to eat his or her toes!

Starred for the use of "skrelli". I may need to steal that, or at least borrow it from time to time.

Publix has good cakes. I don’t know what they put in the frosting, but it’s deliciously addictive. 

Yeah, of COURSE Alferd Packer is gonna think it’s about the dude eating the other guy...

I’m getting Gomez Addams vibes...

I rarely remember to shave my pits or wax my brows, ‘cause they’re both blonde & fairly invisible. I know it’s time for a shave when my armpit hair is aggressive enough to capture fuzzies from my shirts, but my eyebrows never get things stuck in them so I mostly just leave them alone. 

Seriously, how do you not know that Marcellus Fucking Wallace lives in your neighborhood?