“Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.”

I prayed really really hard, probably harder than most, so I’m like 37% responsible for saving his life....I wouldn't say I'm a hero but I wouldn't stop anyone from saying that.

Clearly the wall thing doesn’t work. It needs to be a searchable online database, kind of like imdb. You could search people by name and find out who they are fapping to, you could also search fappees and see who is most fapped. Movie stars could use their fap stats to demand higher contracts

Christ, mine would have to be as large as the Vietnam Memorial. Kids would go down the line trying to find their mother’s name before scraping an imprint with a crayon onto a piece of paper.

I do this assuming that the smell will be blamed on almost anyone else nearby because I don’t “look like” someone who would rip ass like that.

I would take the website/memorial wall. For all the “you fapped to me/my wife/my sister” awkwardness, I would say “just read the rest of the list,” and they would realize that I’ve fapped to pretty much everyone. At some point, it would be an insult to not be included.

Fuck IPA fever. I am so sick of wasting ten minutes per table explaining our vanilla espresso IPA, our 36,000,000-minute IPA, our Antidisestablishmentarianism IPA. Go hump a barrel of hops and GTFO of my face.

“So, your table stopped me and asked what kind of fish they had was because they thought you were lying to them; I told them it was cod and they asked why we didn’t have real fish.”

I think it’s a bit unfair for Congress to call out the whole NFL when teams like the Raiders and Jaguars receive no contributions from defense.

You vill dribble vell. If no dribble vell, vee send famillee Siber.

Thank you for validating an argument I have been fighting for years. Electric Boogaloo is the perfect name for any sequel. Period.

It’s refreshing to see an argument between a black man and a white guy with guns end without any casualties.

False. The immediate follow up will be:
“Oh, do I put too much mustard on your sandwiches?”

You eat the lunch your wife packed at like 10 a.m. then still go get your burrito. Or eat the burrito and throw the lunch away and never mention it. But you don’t, under any circumstances, risk fucking that situation up, you moron.

If you tell her she over-mustard-ed the sandwich, I hope you enjoyed the last free meal your wife ever made you.

Hey guy with the wife who makes lunches, Don’t worry. she will stop making you lunches soon. no human is that great that they’ll make sandwiches for their SO, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. Some day, she'l just realize "fuck it, i cannot be bothered today" and you'll get all misty eyed and think…

They never took a doggie bag home and they never touched Golem Jesus’s meal.

In DC, too. I’ve been driving when it happens, and it’s terrifying—not because of the people, but because of how they’re riding.

This has been going for years in Baltimore and Philly. Connecting it to Freddie Gray is stupid both for the subjects of the article and the author. Also, it is far from a benign activity. They most certainly do not use hand signals (at least in my experience). It’s usually a 14 year old helmetless kid doing a 50 mph…