He knows you can’t please anyone with such a small government.

Wasn’t it just a few days ago that we were relentlessly mocking a moronic redneck in Georgia who used explosives in a dangerous manner and blew off his own leg? I guess the accent makes a huge difference.

Has anyone seen my little red calculator?

I’ve got two decent responses to the Kasich team’s snark about being the only campaign run by a woman:

I hope so. Bothans are assholes. In Battlefront II, their primary combat role was sneaking up to someone while invisible and using a weak-ass flamethrower to burn them. What kind of fucked up culture thinks that’s acceptable!?

RIP Cyrus - My favorite absurd movie death is Cyrus the Virus (John Malkovich) in Con Air. While fighting the hero (fucking Cage) on an extended fire truck ladder driving down the Vegas strip, Cyrus is stabbed through the ankle, smashed through an elevated walkway, propelled through the sky, somehow hits some electric…

There’s a pornstar named Siri that makes me want to sext.

Sorry. You are no Rom Romberts.

I felt really bad last year when I realized that I could name most of the top 20 porn stars on Pornhub on sight. I had to ask some friends, but it turns out that it’s actually normal. I’m not a freak!

My friend just named his daughter Dylan. Besides thinking it’s a terrible name, I also associate it with Dylan Harper. I have told him neither of these things, thus qualifying me for Friend of the Year.

Is that true?

I was curious, so I went to Amazon to read the reviews for “Gifted Hands.” With over 1,100 reviews, it lists 93% are 5 star ratings. I refuse to believe this isn’t a conspiracy.

Sounds like Buffalo should give up on football and try watersports.

About the heroin addicts, I wasn’t so much talking about the fussiness as I was thinking about someone so obsessively fixated on something that that thing has become the center of their shaking, bloodshot, stammering existence.

Re: Freebies - I live in the District of Unfathomable Alcohol Consumption. Combine our rampant need for alcohol with our douchebaggery for all things “craft” and everyone completely unphased by the high cost of living and you get lots of boutique liquor/beer/wine stores. The one mollifying side-effect is that most of…

“Dan Snyder is a horrible piece of shit.” True Statement or Truest Statement Ever?

RGIII says he’s the best QB in the league, Eli feels like he should be the highest paid player, J.J. Watt thinks he’s intelligent... I don’t know what they’re putting in the Gatorade at training camp, but I want some.

That is the answer we’ve all been looking for: Solidarity. When faced with an undeniably horrible customer, if all the employees, managers, and sympathetic customers quickly and unequivocally joined in to shame these shit stains, they would stop this behavior. Instead, managers make excuses and comp meals and…

I don’t drink coffee, so my opinion might not matter, but how we got from a simple cup of Joe for the working man to whatever the hell is going on at Starbucks is a little disturbing to me. I swear some people have coffee fetishes. The level of detail and commitment to getting exactly what weird creation they want…

If you were to award the exclusive use of the nickname “Meathead” to an NFL player, who would deserve it more, Gronk or Watt?