Good thing he wasn't caught with heroin. Horse collars are really dangerous and heavily penalized.

<finishes another fall/winter of life, alone, capped off by watching every minute of a 9-7 season>

NEW YORK-Asked cop: “God, did you hear about Robin Williams?”Cop: “No.”Me: “Died. He killed himself.”Still gave me a ticket.

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt
And then it’s just hilarious

Miami Coach: “Men, all you have to remember is T.N.T.! OK? T stands for Maximal Conditioning! N stands for Knowing the plan! And T stands for Ball security! Easy!”

Press presses Press on pressing issue of her press team’s pressure to press on despite Barstool’s presumptive expressions of free press.

Even a cold dog would be better

To paraphrase: You need to be terrified of #MeToo, bitch.

Im glad i’m not the only one here that hates this.

I want to take that reverse light and shove it up the ass of the engineer who designed it and slowly burn him alive from the inside by locking and unlocking the doors.

Oh, and GM’s “Lets turn on the reverse lights for any goddamn reason other than driver is reversing” system

I’ma let him finish, but that three blink lever is a goddamn godsend. - Guy who uses it to activate the blinker and shoot off maybe one signal before cutting across traffic because I’m in a hurry, goddamnit.

My rule of thumb as a pedestrian is always treat crossing the street like I’m playing baseball and trying to steal second base. Get a good jump, run like hell, then dust myself off and make a “safe” gesture on the opposing curb.

In the end the Lakers Front Office would announce that July came before January, and you would have to believe it. It was inevitable that they should make that claim sooner or later: the logic of their position demanded it. Not merely the validity of experience, but the very existence of external reality, was tacitly…

Kobe: Man, this is incredible. I can’t believe I’m having dinner with Heath Ledger!
Jared Leto: Yeah....

Jack Nicholson must be rolling over in his grave.

I should mention that I was already low-key obsessed with Kasey Musgraves

‘Let’s get the hell out of here!’-Abe Lincoln