*Reads the headline* Damn, he had a busy first day inside!

“If everybody is smart”

If that gun turned up in the Borderlands game I think it would be called “The Compensator”.

I feel like implementing this in America would have zero impact on overall productivity. If anything, productivity would increase. As Lauren implies, the vast majority of Americans don’t work 40 hours a week now. Sure, they sit at their chair for 40+ hours a week, but what percentage of your daily life is spent on…

Orders Russian wife. Cardboard, but supportive.

*Orders Pizza, Box shows up full of paper
*Orders another Uber, driver is cardboard

Lol. He's totally down-cycled Ted Nugent. Fred Nugent. 

“You not gonna do shit/I let her chop my balls off too before I lose to , Eunuch.”

Pollster: Abraham Lincoln—you know, born in a log cabin, first Republican President?

*man using computer whose development was funded by government spending, using internet whose development and roll out was funded by government spending, using electricity whose development and roll out was funded by government spending, written in a language he only understands due to government spending*

Try reading a book where the title doesn’t begin with “Killing...”?

Giuliani’s looking better than I would have thought, given his age.

If only there were a website that could cover sports and its place in society.

Maybe it’s because she is a soulless power fucker that has no moral compass?

“Woman lands new job thanks to President Trump”

The Patriots’ next slot receiver.

You know, if you resurrect Foodspin, you could Stick to Sprouts.

I miss Splinter. They would’ve made hay out of this story.

Disparaging reference to “Capital Hill” - are we sure this guy's not a marxist?

Croll Tried!