James Woods gets my vote.

“Hanks? Yeah.” Beasley hesitates for a moment, gaze distant as his thoughts turned inward, before lighting a cigarette with a trembling paw. His voice held something like regret when he finally spoke.

*Reads the headline* Damn, he had a busy first day inside!

Two? I only see the one.

2 Furioshhh.

End of the day?

Ostrich sized? 

“If everybody is smart”

If that gun turned up in the Borderlands game I think it would be called “The Compensator”.

I feel like implementing this in America would have zero impact on overall productivity. If anything, productivity would increase. As Lauren implies, the vast majority of Americans don’t work 40 hours a week now. Sure, they sit at their chair for 40+ hours a week, but what percentage of your daily life is spent on…

you mean tic tacs 

But what if the windmills are really giants? They might be.

Orders Russian wife. Cardboard, but supportive.

*Orders Pizza, Box shows up full of paper
*Orders another Uber, driver is cardboard

Lol. He's totally down-cycled Ted Nugent. Fred Nugent. 

“You not gonna do shit/I let her chop my balls off too before I lose to , Eunuch.”

I found Scorsese’s kinja account.

Pollster: Abraham Lincoln—you know, born in a log cabin, first Republican President?

Your mother’s an apatosaurine diplodocid.

*man using computer whose development was funded by government spending, using internet whose development and roll out was funded by government spending, using electricity whose development and roll out was funded by government spending, written in a language he only understands due to government spending*