PINKHAM’S LAW!!! DING DING DING! We have a winner!

For $45 I ate a can of chewing tobacco. Don’t believe me?

You eat the lunch your wife packed at like 10 a.m. then still go get your burrito. Or eat the burrito and throw the lunch away and never mention it. But you don’t, under any circumstances, risk fucking that situation up, you moron.

If enough of us like this comment, it comes true. It comes true, people.

I was way more of a smart-ass when I worked in a bookstore, since my manager was always job hunting and couldn’t have cared less. During the height of the “Twilight” craze, right when the last book and the first movie had been released, we were sent a metric ton of merch, including those SweetHearts chalk-flavored…

We’ve all been there. Mine was the one time I was shelving books at the library, wearing my work badge and (a rarity) a t-shirt with the library’s logo on it. A patron came up and asked “Do you work here?” Given that I was having a bad day and it was about the five hundredth time I had heard that question, I just sort…

Xanax always makes me buy crazy shit, not alcohol.

Fronthand/Backhand is the best. It’s so dumb but it cracks me up every time. It has great timing.

Another proud graduate from Midvale School for the Gifted.

A nation where Christmas decorations start appearing in stores before Labor Day can not possibly be a nation where Christians are oppressed for their faith.

Do you ever feel like everyone in the country is cheering for your team (and your city) to fail? Well, now you know why.

Lets be real here farts are fucking hilarious. I also think poop jokes are hilarious. I’m 6 years old.

Mediocre? MEDIOCRE?

Mediocre? You. You’re fuckin’ out! Kenny should be one of the floating heads on the main page.

Hugs! Next time with another girl might be different though, never stop trying if she’s interested. I think I’m horrible at sex and for some reason I find anal sex (with tons of lube) easier than vaginal sex most times. Don’t know why.

My dog had the same eyelid surgery as Lisa. They actually had to remove the foreskin from his penis to create new eyelids. He is perfectly fine now, just a little cockeyed.

I feel for you, homie. My first time with anal was also a hideous nightmare.

Very disappointed in you, Burneko. I mean, subtle plagiarism is one thing, but lifting your title straight from the Ford Field home locker room walls?