“Look, Coach O’Brien, we know you coached football 10,000 hours last year, but you also changed the toilet paper roll once, so now you make $7.50 an hour, OK?”

I guess for Nathan Peterman that’d be safety?

We’re reducing funding and staffing at lots of different federal agencies. The supposed goal is to reduce federal spending... but since the agencies are required by law to continue functioning, they have to hire private corporations to do the work for them. The government ends up paying more to private companies than…

We’re digging trenches in the dirt now just so we can lower the bar on human intelligence.

I ... I mean what the actual fuck?! 

Protip: They almost always give out 2x the maximum screening tickets because they expect a lot of people will no show because it was free. This happens all of the time. Arrive extra early for screenings. 

I actually get more of a Brett Kavanaugh vibe from him.

he is doing very well and is popular overseas...basically the show and funds were restructured to allow for more Conan without borders episodes per year, clueless gamer becoming it’s own digital entity, etc.

I think you can guess the demographic makeup of Allen’s fans.

I want him to stick in the league so he can try this on someone like Chris Paul, on a day when he’s REALLY feeling that OKC angst... just to see who dies. Hint: It will be Grayson Allen

Really, you just need to look at his background to see where this stuff comes from:

Color announcer sounded about 5 seconds from just going over and punching Allen in the throat which, although unorthodox, I would heartily endorse.

At what point do we accept that this guy is who he is, which is Ted Cruz?

Grayson Allen looks like Joffrey Baratheon.

wait is that actually how pistorius lost his legs?

I am beyond sick of the baffling Beyonce worship.

Norman uses the hashtag #OneoftheGreatestdayeverinmylifetime

(Anybody who replies to this with that Ron Burgundy “that escalated quickly” meme will be shot through my bathroom door.)

Me, after reading seven paragraphs full of one excoriating pull-quote after another: