I was recently shocked to learn that the high five was only invented in 1977. Sometimes history is way shorter than we think.

Honestly the fact that designers charge $500 for plastic sunglasses is the most egregious crime here.

I can’t believe this article doesn’t mention Jeb! even once. He was so thoroughly humiliated that we can’t even remember him. Please clap.

Whoa, Mussolini had tiny hands too!

No? Welp, off to whip up a script for DongerPunch.

#hashbros

‘Atlanta United Scattered the defenders, Smothered the attackers, and relentlessly Chunked it into the goal!’

Yeah, but we’ll still blow it in the Super Series Cup or whatever.

Hmm, I played against machines designed for pitching in lower Little Leagues, and I did a lot better against them than I did the real human guys later on.

If only we’d had this kind of mentality on the 90s we could’ve had a Denzel Batman/Samuel L. Joker movie. Which would’ve ruled.

Or that Juggalos would be more eloquent and have better makeup than the POTUS...

I couldn’t even bring myself to lie to my kid about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or Jesus.

The entire Huckabee family looks a lot like the original Mr. Potatohead set, only with the pieces inserted into religiously judgemental sexually repressed hypocrite hams instead of potatoes.

Ok, but what about infidelitous sharks with nictating membranes, hmmm?

Apropos of nothing other than your use of ‘quesh,’ today I sent an email to a prospective employer without noticing that when I tried to type ‘messaged’ autocorrect inserted ‘meshed.’ So now I look like an inappropriately casual dipshit to the people interviewing me for this job I really want! Please kill me!

I need Carrie Hunt and the Spoonerisms to weigh in on this.

Jeez, you don’t have to brag about it.

Psst... every restaurant I’ve ever worked in uses Hidden Valley packets to make their ranch. If you like it thinner just add a little butter milk and give it good shake. That said, ranch is fucking gross.

Secretary is so much better, both the movie and the short story it was based. Fifty Shades is a shitty ripoff of Secretary (wherein a shy, mousy woman enters a BDSM with a powerful executive named Mr. Grey) masked by its even bigger ripoff of Twilight (which itself sucks).

She got Chucky face