When I realized I was drinking beer every night, I thought that I might be developing a dependency. So I switched to gin. Problem solved!

I was just thinking earlier today that the Founding Fathers would be absolutely appalled at the deference we show to elected officials. These assholes are our employees, not a Ruling Class.

Fighting Bob is spinning in his grave looking at these chuckleheads.

I have a dream that the Rays move to Buffalo, giving Bob Rich (the owner of the AAA team here) the MLB ball club that he passed up on back in the ‘90s.

What we say: “Maybe people with a history of violent outbursts shouldn’t be able to easily buy high powered rifles?”

What they hear: “We’re gonna take all of the guns!”

What we say: “Maybe people with a history of violent outbursts shouldn’t be able to easily buy high powered rifles?”

What they hear: “We’re gonna take all of the guns!”

Yes, the primary difference being that American women are able to earn medals while the men earn participation ribbons.

Nah. If you owe the bank a thousand dollars, you’re in trouble. If you owe the bank a couple million dollars, the bank’s in trouble.

[pedantic mode ON]

There’s no apostrophe in Tim Hortons. This is to abide by Quebecois language laws, which would require the possessive grammar to be translated into French to do business in that province.

[pedantic mode... continues to be ON, who are we kidding here]

Shut it down, everyone. We’re done here. Try again tomorrow.

Nah, because the people I see doing this are high school kids with busted-ass speakers in cheap phones.

Throw it up in the drop ceiling.

Like anyone’s going to part with ten dollars to get headphones for their five dollar LG Herpe from Boost Mobile.

What if each NFL team is only allowed to punt five times a game?

The Round Mound of Touchdown.

“Colleges are just hotbeds of liberal indoctrination!” yell my Teahadist relatives who have never so much as walked past a university campus.

That was a great read. Thanks for sharing!

Nigeria?

How the hell does someone from Nigeria end up riding a suicide toboggan?

“I’ll take this case of Busch Light and two boxes of Sudafed, please.”

“Sorry, you’ve got to be at least 21 to buy beer in this state. And you can only buy one box of Sudafed.”

“Okay, that’s fine, just the one box. Oh, and that AR-15 and a few hundred rounds of ammo.”

“No problem!”

How could you forget Scott Baio, Antonio Sabato Jr, and Charlie Daniels?

“Fox News - the channel for and about people who peaked in the 1980s at best.”