They desperately want Tim Cook to unveil some hovering trapezoid three years from now that changes the entire foundation of human transportation.

America loves an angry shithead.

I sort of liked last year’s touring revival of “Being There”. That Ben Carson fellow was perfect for the role.

A friend of mine sold cars for a few years. He said he had to quit because it’s so dispiriting to have a job where everyone immediately assumed you’re a lying piece of shit trying to steal from them.

That’s nuts.

She wasn’t good enough, as a candidate. Would have been a great President, though. Too bad those are totally different skillsets.

The best lesson from this Tebow debacle is that nobody should have laughed at Jordan for playing AA ball.

He’s our nation’s director of cybersecurity, but I bet he still calls his grandkids’ game systems “the Atari”.

They wanted to confiscate my money clip, which has a inch-long nail file in it. Ridiculous.

It’s a little-known fact that Mr Fitzpatrick went to a school in the Boston area. No, not Tufts...

It’s called diplomatic immunity SMH

I always remember a book about Canada that we had to read for third grade. It said Canada has only four cities: Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver, and Ottawa. The rest of it was forests and igloos and polar bears and such.

Walk and bike whenever you can. You don’t know shit about any city, even your own hometown, if you’ve only seen it from inside a car.

I don’t understand why places like Buffalo and Cleveland are the butt of jokes about their sports teams and DC seems to get off scott free. They’ve managed to be one of the only cities with teams in all four major sports that are all consistently disappointing.

Could part of the problem be that teams are hesitant to sign a backup with such different physical skills than their starting quarterback? It makes sense for someone like Seattle to look at him, but nobody’s going to sign him to back up a slow-moving pocket passer like Matt Ryan or Tom Brady.

“They can have the game there. Also, Tom Brady is suspended for four games.”

Seriously, Al has no hap at all.

Doug Whaley has something similar, but it’s just three guys sitting behind a Tim Hortons eating lead paint chips in their EJ Manuel shirseys.

* Rhode Island whips out giant check, starts writing zeroes on it *

Also two-factor the balls off everything, and pray your answer to a funny social media question isn’t also a password retrieval hint.