RE: Office sneezing. There’s a woman in my office, on my floor, who sneezes like a fucking cannon, then exaggerates the “choo” part of the thing for good measure. I’m not sure if she needs attention or what her deal is, but she’s been moved 5 times in the course of a year because nobody can deal with it. I’m surprised…

I love Jay Z for that even if he only stopped calling women “bitches” and ho’s” after having a daughter. Guess your wife, mother and other women in your life weren’t enough but ok, you got there.

Missing stuffed animals are nothing to scoff at. I had a stuffed white polar bear (he was stuffed with softer beanie baby type stuffing rather than fiber fil) when I was 7 and it was the most awesome cuddle buddy right up into my difficult high school years. He went “missing” one day and it was devastating. I found…

Fig Newtons are objectively bad- gritty, dry, sweet but not in a good way. That’s a punishment, not a treat. I promise your kid is doing what I used to do when I got Fig Newtons in my lunch box- throwing those shits right in the trash. Kids don’t refuse sugary stuff unless it’s really bad.

I guess he should order the hot cakes instead, am I right?

We had a company party at a place where you could get in the big Sumo suits and wrestle. The suits were surprisingly tight, and once I managed to get into it, the seal around my neck kept much air from getting out.

A family at a grocery store. They walk slowly down an aisle four abreast two deep and then all stop and look at the cans of beans the mother or father is holding up trying to determine which brand is the best buy. Why they all have to shop together, I have not figured out. Can they not make a list of what they want?…

Don’t you get snippy with me. Your mom probably packed you Gobble Stix.

If Hillary gets paid for speeches, she’s a greedy bitch. If she gets paid less, she’s a failure. If she goes away (to, say, walk in the woods) she’s ridiculed. If she writes a book. If she trips while on vacation. If she has pneumonia. If she wears makeup. If she doesn’t wear makeup. She’s the patron saint of Women…

First she has to find a better mechanic

She’s like the “...and the rest” on the original Gilligan’s Island theme.

Any student should be proud of a 4.2 GPA —incl. @DavidHogg111. On reflection, in the spirit of Holy Week, I apologize for any upset or hurt my tweet caused him or any of the brave victims of Parkland.

I just looked him up on Youtube because I’d never heard of him. He’s a step below Barney Rubble in the Fruity Pebbles rap commercial. I can’t believe people listen to that shit.

+1 recording of John Cage’s “4'33"

Trump doesn’t watch the other show because he doesn’t believe anyone can last 60 minutes.

I was in the Hospital on a morphine drip for a week and found reruns of Texas Walker Ranger very entertaining. All of a sudden I had no idea if Chuck was going to find the school bus buried in the mine on time.

That’s a really ugly baby.

If you put a pigtailed wig & a whole lot of very pale foundation on him he’d look exactly like Baby Jane Hudson.

An I’m-sauced-in-these triangle.

Funny. Someone named Tommy is Deaf to the needs of anyone who’s not white/cis-hetero/Christian, Blind to the suffering of the poor, and also really Dumb. Do you think she’s a real Pinball Wizard, too?