Let’s just breakdown what we’re working with here.

“AND WE’RE GONNA RUN THE GOT-DAMN COMMIE PINKO SUMBITCHES WHO DID IT OUT OF OFFICE!!!” -Kentucky voter, between hits from his government-subsidized nebulizer.

Plus...does anyone else hate it when a woman tells someone to suck her dick? It doesn’t make any damn sense.

Can we send her a plate wrapped loosely in foil so it leaks? Dollar Tree plates that you have to double up on and not the good Chinet plates. And cheap foil you can’t reuse—no Reynolds Wrap for her. Fatty pork ribs? The hot-hot baked beans that no one can eat? Questionable potato salad that isn’t kept on ice? A Chek…

I hear you. Those folks are the reason we’re stuck with Tim Wise, the Captain Obvious/Carpetbagger Of Race Relations, at every cookout, hanging out by the Hawaiian rolls, annoying the fuck out of everyone because he knows we love Hawaiian rolls enough to have to endure his rambling on ass about ish we know, just to…

The only Black people inviting her to the cookout are the Black people we don’t even want at the cookout to begin with. Trust. They can take their ‘Actually, Rachel Dolezal has done more the the Black community than Black people’ selves and go sit on a cold cinder block eating dry potato salad.

Pro-tip to the fucknuts at ICE: Picking up a 40+ year old white doctor with two decades-old legal dings is not going to make you look any less racist and is definitely not making you look like you’re out there rounding up ‘bad hombres’.

You mean the Po-Poles?

You know you just gave some uber-rich bored tech-bro the idea for his next dare, right?

“Jokes on you, Robby. My wife has a nut allergy, which is why we can’t even have sex anymore.”

The West side of Chicago is perfectly fine. You should stay away from the East side, though, at least according to Paper Lace.

Because what if she starts a war with Australia because no one got her pickles and ice cream fast enough?? Everyone knows that when a lady’s lady parts get filled with them hormones she gets hysterical and can’t be reasoned with. That’s just science.

There’s a lot I’d do for a cool half billion.

I always think of Stephen Miller as the poster boy for that. His parents are supposedly normal liberal Californian Jews, if that’s true they must be seriously heartbroken to see who their son became.

It was the Hedgehog. Enough of your #fakenews.

Aziz Ansari once took me on a date to Applebees. #metoo

Oddly enough, though, there are some interesting parallels between what happened between Stormy Daniels / Trump and Marilyn Monroe / JFK:

Remember the time Hillary Clinton banged John Holmes and paid him $130,000 in hush money?

Heh. Absolutely true story. It’s the late ‘80s (this is important), and I’m with my long-term GF (about my age, 22/23 or so), in her bedroom at her folks’ house. Sometime about midnight-ish, rowdiness starts to happen, and the GF is pining for some candle-play. So the tapers come out (we were duly diligent, so they…

Ivanka?