So people CAN look like “Drunk Homer!” I’ve seen people wasted, but damn!

Insert “Hooker/Pie/Urine/Lemon Ice Box Pie” joke here.

I would’ve bet on “You can’t arrest me, I’m white!”

I just couldn’t. I mean, I thought that drinking a beverage that might taste like Hot Tamales would be good, but it turns out to be like those janky-ass no-name “Hot Tamales” that are stuck together and .99 at Big Lots. Who thought that Fireball was a good idea?!

And submitting to Death! Whee!

Too bad someone didn’t put dynamite under the lectern. It almost worked the first time someone tried it--technology has improved in 70+ years!

I could barely hate read the Television Without Pity thread. Holy damn, despite having 2 stars of my favorite Star Trek movies (I loved ST:TMP!) I couldn’t stand it, not even to hate watch!

If by some stroke of magic, I had a daughter who wanted children when she was in 8th grade, I’d get a retrograde abortion. The fuck is wrong with these people? I’ve “babysat” ONCE (held the baby while my older sister did all the work), and the fact that it would have half my genes did nothing to make me want them.…

Wait? What?! Goddammit, has House taught us nothing?! God has no place in medicine!

I saw a woman in her sixties yell at her 85 (?) year old mother in the supermarket when I was a teenager. Being the smartass I am, I pointed at her like I was a gypsy giving a curse and said “Just you wait!” Since that was 25 years ago, either she’s dead or wondering if her kids are coming to visit her in the home…

How the fuck does this even work, besides “’Cause. That’s why!”? I can’t even comprehend this—not the fact that she tried to self-abort, I get that. BUT SHE WAS ON TRIAL. IF SHE’D BEEN KILLED BY HER SPOUSE OR WAS MENTALLY DISABLED AND RAPED, NOTHING WOULD’VE HAPPENED!

I don’t know about angry thoughts, but more like “Meh...” thoughts—how is it that non-Republicans can’t unite without somehow fucking shit up? Women for Trump—he wouldn’t touch them with a 2 inch baby carrot dick (or respect them!) but they for damn sure are for him!

I just noticed--a cheese pizza?! I’m fairly certain that there’s a Primanti-style pizza option, or something! Just plain cheese pizza is bad enough at a sporting event, but being drunk and puking on said pizza is somehow worse. If you’re going to be drunk and unprepared for the weather, splurge on some meat!

What are the odds that there are TWO people out there filling up Disney glasses with shit? This story sounds awfully familiar...

“I don’t know how or why we changed our minds about having kids. DON’T HAVE KIDS!”

I love it when they advertise a 90-calorie “drink” as “breakfast.” Get the fuck outta here with your 90-calorie “breakfast!” I’ll take the bacon and fried egg for the CHF, please!

Come on, now! J-O-O-Z aren’t people!

Well, shit, I’m sure I would’ve enjoyed talking to the gentlemanly Hitler (dude did love his art, and I’m a fool for Wagner!), but I’m sure as soon as he saw my not-so-Aryan skin tone, I’d be off to the camps, if not immediately shot.

Yeah, I don’t see me turning the other cheek, unless “cheek” means “foot to the crotch.” Anyone who can do this (and stay sane!) is a better person than I!

I hope everything Trumpussy touches turns to shit. Forget the Midas Touch, I hope he has the, uh, Shitass Touch!