Is that stuff like a poop transplant?

Or maybe I need a BIDET or one of those washy wands that connects to the terlet. Maybe. And maybe my shits are too damn strong for mere mortal toilet paper. Maybe.

I keed. I plan on putting a bidet in one of our bathrooms soon or at the very least one of those washy wands on my terlet sometime soon. I am tired of washing my butt in the tub. :(

You sir are the winner of the ‘Rockstar Shower’ award. And I thought I was bad at 10 minutes when I take showers.

Nah, I can only describe it as ‘washing my butt’. I only put a little water in the tub so as to get some water on my tookus as I sit there. Then I lather up and wash any of the remaining poop and detritus off there. Butt wash. Sometimes I have a mess free poop and washing my butt is not required. Depends on what I ate…

I heard rollerfucking was the latest hipster artisanal pickup sport du jour.

Who in the everlovinghell takes 20 minute showers?!?!?

This Deadspin staff today is coldblooded I tell ya. Takin' away your participation trophy away and shit.

Edible Mary J Juana is your friend. Booze is overrated.

For 66.7% of my wipes, yes. The other third I squat/stand and reverse the wiping motion.

I sit for two thirds of my wipes. What else do you want me to do?!?!?

We did that in Whistler on our last ski trip. It was obscene and very nice at the same time.

You are probably Beezlebub in disguise. How do you accomplish this? Do you only do crack to sack wipes?

Hey man, don't you judge me and my technique. I should patent mine.

Man, as I described in mah technique in the comments I wipe crack to sack sitting, fold, repeat, then squat up and wipe sack to crack. Repeat twice with fresh paper. Then if I am at home I take a quick bath to wash my butt. If away I have muddbutt until I get home to wash. Standing is but a small part of my routine,…

So did y'all learn enough about male wiping techniques?

Your thirstiness for Cool Hand Luke is understood. He ate 50 hard boiled eggs and didn't puke.

Where is Super Happy Fun Ball?? FAIL.

Go kick some Syrian refugees while they are on the ground, Eurotrash. We Muricans will continue to smear poop all over our butts with tissue, THANK YEEEEW VERY MUCH.

YOU FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SITTING?!?!?!?! YUCK, Poo water all over your junk??? NO.