Hey there, first responders! Boy am I glad to se—-

"...he had texted me saying "Sorry, gone to see Batman" (the film, although this wasn't clarified)."

True, TurtleFace! Torchinsky totally turned from this terrific, tried and true tool of the trade. Terrible!

Oh Christ, where do I begin?

This is one of those moments, where I get the impression I somehow grew up in a very different region, and with a very different social group, than the vast majority of Jezebels (and, perhaps, feminists in general.) Growing up, I knew way, way more Radical Feminist Men than I did non-feminist men (and almost no bros,…

"It's so crazy this copper hook thing we designed to go up in you is effective! Try it today" -doctors

The 8.9% of the writers that didn't vote for Pedro should have their voting privileges revoked.

This works because the kinetic coefficient of friction is lower than the static coefficient of friction.

You know what? Good for this dude. People spend $500 on a lot stupider shit than keeping a pet they like alive. I hope it works out for this fish.

I quit a cult and half my family when I was 16. I grew up in the cult. Think Jehovah's Witness, but a bit weirder. I went to this fundamentalist church's private school where I got straight As but was mostly disliked by the other students for being a goody-two shoes. I studied the Bible all the time, was not allowed…

I didn't enter this in the original, because it's really not my story to tell, but it was the single grossest experience of my life. And I deal with explosive bottom kittens and cats.

My brother likely has a cow's protein intolerance. I know this because my daughter does too and his symptoms match hers exactly. My…

Was visiting my boyfriend's parents in a different state. Went to local bar and got predictably shit faced. Entered boyfriend's parent's house through side garage door, where we could recline on the available futon and smoke cigarettes via the open door. Feeling pretty decent, although I notice my stomach moving…

Good lord woman, that there is a B movie one reeler horror show.

Thank you. I'm certainly not proud of it, but in hindsight it is pretty funny.

Disclaimer...this did not happen on NYE. The story is entitled "starfish regenerator."

Gaaaaaaah...border collie! Good god I love border collies. They are seriously the sweetest, smartest dogs in the world. Kind of crazy and they need A TON of exercise and play time, but wow...just the best dogs if you can give them what they need. So sweet. So cuddly.

Border collies have a well developed sense of guilt and remorse.

Me as well. I had a similar experience as a kid that is just so close to the front of my mind watching this - My family walked into a pet store, and my mom's boyfriend told me very sternly on the way in not to fall in love with any of the dogs. Which was weird, since we went to pet stores fairly often (this was before…

This diagram explains it all.