Wait wait wait, burying the lede there.

RLS: I was waiting for someone to make that joke ever since I heard about the accident.

Thank you. There are amazing parents out there, and total non-garbage people.

It’s an artisanal leech, bred especially for blood work. The fact that you have to ask...

Right? I want to call my Dad and be like ‘thank you for telling me everyday, especially by actions and not even words, that I could do absolutely anything I wanted and you would always stand behind me!” Thankfully, last year for his birthday I wrote him a long letter about that, and what a wonderful husband he is to…

Only sons can carry on his family business? Is it operated by using one’s penis to type?

That’s what confuses me. Why is there a spider plant in the picture, not hanging from a hook that our parents probably also used for some crazed trampoline sex during some key party, but on the floor?

So I spent most of my early childhood in the 70s ferried back and forth between WA state and SoCal, which was hippie capital/hipster capital at the time and there is something very wrong with the picture. I mean they have the ugly colors and the shit ton of ferns but WHERE IS THE MACRAME????

Each grape a universe.

I would actually like to be Diane - in this room and in this outfit, but I’m keeping my hair (none of that Bonnie Franklin crap for me, thanks). Can that be arranged?

I love that she’s gone with the “The Joker” color scheme for the decor in her home.

whatever, I don’t think you can call a garment “queen-sized” unless it has cartridge pleats and a collar or ruff with a diameter of at least a foot.

for dogs

So we can’t call dumbasses “dodos” either because they’re extinct? It’s a victimless crime, people. Like punching someone in the dark.

I used to wear my mom’s Heart jacket all the time in kindergarten. I still have it and it fits much better now. Chelsea needs to have a seat.

Sleepwalking is no excuse for listening to Nickelback.

And my crush on Steve Martin remains in tact. #swoon

“Ted Cruz? An inspiration to every kid in America who worries that he’ll never be able to run for president because nobody likes him. He’s running. And look, I told Barack, if you really, really want to remake the Supreme Court, nominate Cruz. Before you know it, you’ll have eight vacancies.”

OMG, that graceful leap over the underwater rock. Get that hippo a tutu, stat.

dead. completely dead. I love pygmy hippos more than life itself. It is amazing how beautiful and graceful they are underwater. I do love the clumsy, pudgy version above water too. The babies look like giant purple loaves of bread. and dead again.